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I Am Defeated

I was diagnosed with RA in June of 2014. I had been telling my Dr. that I was exhausted for a long time but blew it off. I was taking care of my mother at the time and just thought I needed a break so I blew it off as well. I did catch everything under the sun as well and thought my immune system was just compromised due to wearing myself down. Then one day I woke up with excruciating pain in my ankles and hips. Again, I thought I had overdone it as I was very active. I waited six weeks and when it didn’t go away; I went to my Dr. I had never had a full physical so I requested one. I thought that since I went through menopause at the age of 36 that maybe I had early osteoporosis. Made sense to me if my bones hurt. Four days later I received the results. Yes, I did have osteoporosis and Rheumatoid Arthritis as my RA factor was high. What a trip it has been since. I have never achieved remission. My symptoms have increased. The pain is overwhelming. I have been on two meds. I am currently on Methotrexate but it has not been effective. I have switched Dr.’s twice and I pray the new one is going to be the one that will make a difference. I work full time. I say that but in reality I miss a lot of work. I can go two or three weeks and then I’m down a couple of days. I try to keep up with the house, the laundry, the cooking. I just can’t anymore and I don’t know what the answer is. Walking feels like I am walking on crush and run. Sitting for too long causes pain in my hips. Working out gives me bursitis in my elbows and shoulders. I feel like everyone is waiting for this to get better and don’t understand that it’s not. My boss, my coworkers, my husband, my family. This disease has taken everything from me. How are you supposed to live like this?

This article represents the opinions, thoughts, and experiences of the author; none of this content has been paid for by any advertiser. The team does not recommend or endorse any products or treatments discussed herein. Learn more about how we maintain editorial integrity here.


  • Diane S
    3 years ago

    Are you and I the same person?! I don’t have kids (a blessing for me) and my husband does his own thing. I have no quality of life anymore. Especially hard is work. It’s very hard to work (#IAm911) but harder when I don’t go. Management is displeased and they refuse to let me go part time. There is NO WAY I will be able to go on the next 30 yrs, give or take, like this.

  • Ann B Wall
    3 years ago

    I am very touched by your story. I am wondering why your Rheumatologist has not put you on a biologic.I’m not saying that it is the total answer and the titration and finding the right medicine are not simple. I am not able to do many things I used to and many with RA are not. I try to love myself the way I am and try ing to learn that cleaning and keeping up are optional. I had almost 2 yrs when I slept all of my off hours. I went to work and carried on probably not the best choice in hindsight.YOUR HEALTH IS A FULL-TIME JOB. i have found that a vegetarian and better vegan diet helps me. I am learning to practice mindfulness. It has taken my 2 years to walk 3-4 miles MY DOCTOR doesn’t completely understand why i can not work full time…and many others .Today is my 5 year anniversary of being diagnosed with RA.Nsaids ,tiger balm ,ice and heat mindfulness for pain. hot showers RA community on twitter ,family ,friends and co workers all very helpful.This dis-ease has taught me that every day is a blessing, that many are struggling as i am and with different challenges. DO you follow Lene Anderson?I sometimes used to feel resentment when they showed people running and doing multiple activities with RA-now I cheer them. I’m sorry to ramble,I want you to know that there will be good days ahead , to hold onto hope,to be happy with what you can do even if it’s just taking a shower and putting comfortable clothes. enjoy art music,outdoors as mochas you are able and keep writing you are great at it. HUGS AND HEALING THOUGHTS ann

  • Kathleen
    3 years ago

    Sorry you have not gotten relief from your medication. I to started on meth with minimal relief. My doctor added weekly Enbrel shots which greatly help with the pain & stiffness for about 6 months when the good results tapered off. I am now on bi-weekly Humira injections that and see a marked improvement in pain, stiffness and energy level. Perhaps your doctor can add a biologic to your regime of medication. As frustrating as it is, you should recognize your physical limitations and do what you absolutely must and do not hesitate to ask for help when you can. Sounds as if you have a supportive family. Hope you feel better soon

  • Valerie
    3 years ago

    Your words were almost exactly how I feel on a daily basis. No none understands unless they suffer with this. I have had r/a for 10 years and recently (Jan) had to finally give up working and I am now on disability. It’s so frustrating that we can’t do the things we used to do BUT you must not give up. There are days my husband just let’s me cry it out in his arms. I too cannot keep up on the house, cleaning, gardening and all the things I loved so much. What you can do is just take one day at a time and do what you can when you feel good. It’s hard I know because we aren’t in control of our bodies anymore, it’s definitely a learning experience and one that will come with time. Modify your home starting with small things that will make life easier for you. Just look around and see what you can do that might make daily living easier. There is never a dumb idea, it’s whatever works for us because we are the ones living with this, so don’t let anyone tell you “that won’t help” because they have no clue unless they are in your shoes. I obtained my ordination as a Christian Minister back in 2012, and did it all on my own, and that is something I accomplished that meant more to me than any job. So hun keep your head up, don’t give up, and know prayers are coming your way!

  • Carla Kienast
    3 years ago

    I am so sorry. It sounds like a really rough couple of years. The good news is that you have a diagnosis so you know what’s wrong and there are some wonderful treatment plans today that weren’t available even a few years ago. The bad news is that it does take time to come up with the right plan that will be effective for you. I hope you have found a rheumatologist that you trust. Even though it’s hard, don’t be defeated. Hang in there. If you need support, know that you can find lots of it here. We’ve been through what you’re going through.

  • Doesn't Feel Like Me author
    3 years ago

    Thank you Carla! I am hopeful that I won’t have to wait much longer for a successful treatment. So far it’s been in all of my joints, inflammation in my eyes and is now in my ears and jaws. I recently had a reaction, for the first time, to the steroid pack so now that’s out. Im just holding on.

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