Living in Denial and Fear

I was diagnosed a year ago….But this is how it all started. Three years ago I was working at a very busy physicians office. I was getting different areas of pain. My left shoulder, my right knee, my left hand, my left fingers. Each time it was diagnosed as everything but RA, oh, they checked a Rheumatoid level but it was negative. I ended up vomiting almost everyday, every night, my GI did multiple tests and I was diagnosed with Gastroparesis. It is a motility issue with your stomach, takes me 9 times longer than the average person to digest my food. I had bacteria over growth in my stomach confirmed by the biopsies, later followed by a gastric study. To top it off, he said he would put me in the severe category. I quit my job due to the amount of stress he felt there was no way to get my condition under control. My private physician agreed. I kept chalking everything up to the stress and my weight had crept up through all this also. So I figured I was just over weight. A year later, I received new insurance so I need to find a new primary.

By this time I had been going through a multitude of things, still the pain, rashes and allergies. When I went to see her thankfully my left ring finger looked like a sausage. She immediately said I think it’s Rheumatoid, but let’s not jump to conclusions. She did a test that she knew the Rheumatologist she would be referring me to would do. It came back very elevated. I went to see the Rheumatologist and he confirmed the test. This was a little over a year ago. He wanted me to start Methotrexate and Folic Acid then. I wanted to try diet. Well I did! I lost 40lbs. The diet I choose was the HCG. I had investigated that because I heard that when woman who have RA get pregnant they go into remission, also there was no way I way going to exercise I could barely walk. The diet worked while I was on it of course. I still had pain but it was better I lost the 40lbs, I am not endorsing this diet you should always check with your doctor.

I might also mention that our dear friend was diagnosed with Lymphoma at the same time I was to start the meds. So I have still not started the meds. I still live in fear of the medication.
Rheumatoid has cost me my job, my energy, my attitude, and I feel like when I have a flare I am not the sweet woman every body claims me to be.

I don’t think a lot of people understand the true pain I am in. I don’t sleep well at night. My shoulders hurt so I have to shift from one side to the other. Today is a really bad day that is why I choose to share my story today.

My husband works so hard. I am looking for a full-time job. I only work 27.5 hours and that is only when school is in. I read all these stories and I am scarred. I turned 50 this year and have so many things I still want to do. I have two grandson’s I don’t get to see as often as I would like due to finances. I am angry and depressed when I get a flare, which seems to be once a month when I would cycle, if I had not had a Hysterectomy.

I guess what I am hoping to get from this is someone who understands my fear of starting the medication. I always say, “oh maybe after we go away”, or “maybe when school is out”. Excuse after excuse. I fear being crippled. I fear a reaction to the meds. I have all Autoimmune disease, the Gasroparesis, the RA, oh and did I forget to mention I got a horrific rash back in March they think that was DH from gluten!

Thanks for letting me share if anybody has anything to say please to Share.
Nora

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