Painting your smile won't stop your pain

By mwlyles

1 min read

Since my rheumatoid arthritis, hashimotos, degenerative disc disease diagnosis 4 years ago I've been gradually becoming depressed. You see in my family I'm the rock. I'm the one that takes care of the fam in all ways. My children are all over 19 years old but being mom and wife never ends and is one of my proudest accomplishments.

I'm the type of person that will try and find something positive in every situation and/or every person. I can't find anything positive to say about RA right now. I'm constantly aching, always having flares and fatigue quickly. I hide this daily and paint my face with a smile as not to worry anyone. Crying inside while cooking, working out, typing, driving, walking, standing, sitting, hugging..living!

I refuse to burden my loving husband and kids because I'm "broken "! They can't fix me. You see I use to tell my family when I was flaring or having a rough day. They would constantly fuss over me and take over all household duties. Bring me ice packs, heating pads, ginger and turmeric concoctions. Trying to fix it! But feeling defeated when I still hurt. So now I say I'm fine when asked what's wrong and schedule my doctor appointments when I know they can't come and see this disease is getting worse..not better!!! And that the families cheerleader has a disease that constantly boos her from the inside even though it may not show on the outside.

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Daniel Malito Moderator & Contributor
<inline-mention user-id="3213250" username="mwlyles"/> First, you are not “broken.” You’re just in pain, which makes everything else suck, to be honest. It’s difficult to see anything but the pain and awfulness that’s in front of you when it’s all that you feel. It’s part of having RA and other chronic illnesses. There ARE some silver linings though you may not be able to see them right now. First of all, you are one of the toughest people that you know, I can say for sure. You know exactly what you’re made of and what you are going to face, but you get out of bed every day and do it anyway. Don’t sell yourself short, not everyone has the ability or the inner strength to do that. Second, think about how much effort it takes just to do what you do every day. Answer: a ton. So you are putting in twice as much effort as a normal person does each day just to get less done and yet you still do it - that’s amazing and commendable. Third, and I know this might be controversial, but I learned it myself after thirty plus years of horrible illness. You might be able to trust your family with your illness more than you think. I’m not saying you don’t know your family, not at all, I’m just saying that we RA patients have a tendency to try our best not to lay the burdens of our disease on any one else. The thing is, some family members actually want to help but just don’t know how. They may surprise you. Lastl, if nothing else, we wil be here for you. If you don’t want to or can’t share with anyone else that’s totally fine, but that will never and should never include us here. We always know exactly what you are going through, and will never be burdened. So share however much you want and help and comfort is but a click away. Keep on keepin’ on, DPM
mwlyles Member
Thank you so much for the kind words and encouragement!! They were very much touching and needed
Richard Faust Community Admin
Hi QTPie. I certainly can't remind you of the amazingness you exhibit everyday any better than the note from Daniel. As the husband of someone with RA, I just wanted to expound a little on the interactions with family. I think Daniel is correct about the capacity of family to surprise. It is natural for those that care about you to overcompensate in the way you describe, but there is a middle ground. It takes time to learn how to help, while still letting you be you, but with some open conversation you can all get there. My wife, Kelly (a contributor here), interviewed me here about being married to someone with RA: <a href='https://rheumatoidarthritis.net/living/husbands-perspective/' target='_blank'>https://rheumatoidarthritis.net/living/husbands-perspective/</a>. While this conversation is about being a husband, much of it would also apply about being a family member in general. Wishing you the best and, as Daniel said, you are always welcome here. Richard (RheumatoidArthritis.net Team)

Painting your smile won't stop your pain

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