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losing hope and will quickly

  • By jnkfile

    i am new to RA. heck, im not even positive its what i have. every symptom points to RA however my lab tests read as though ive never been sick in my life. Im having a very hard time with this. I cant find a doctor to treat me. Ive been to several PCPs and each one, after the second visit drops me as a client. Ive had many doctors and nurses mark in my file that im a drug addict – never mind the two degrees, new home i just built, new srt8, etc. i have tattoos and piercings so im an obvious and horrible crazed drug addict – never tested positive for anything on a UA either. so on the second visit, when the doctor gets my medical records i get a call saying dont come back.
    i hurt. i hurt. i hurt. ive lost 40 pounds in the last year. i dont sleep anymore because im afraid to wake up. i constantly keep moving – it seems to help me not stiffen up or go numb too much – until i finally collapse from exhaustion, however im always tired that i need to push through.
    all my tests come back as negative. Ive been able to get a bunch of them done between doctors. I know something is wrong though. I havent been to bed to sleep with my wife in almost 3 months now, because i dont want to wake up – ever.
    i cant find a doctor to treat my symptoms and not treat the imaginary addicts out there. I cant get a referral to a rheumatist. i cant get away from this pain. more and more each day thoughts of just tapping out come to mind. i cant take a lot, ive had migraines that hospitalize me for the last 20 years and a constant daily headache the full 20 years. im a tough guy, but whatever i have is wasting me away, with nothing i can do to stop it.
    i dont know how much longer i can ‘hang in there’ or ‘just tough it out’ as all the doctors tell me. a person knows their limit, or should at least. im right at my limit and any day its going to get crossed.
    my wife doesnt understand but is supportive and helps. she just doesnt know what to do to help, neither do i. i know it bothers her when i dont go to bed, it bothers me too. i know it hurts her not being able to help me. she would eventually move on if i werent around any longer. i think she would understand, i hope so anyways. this isnt what she deserves. this isnt what she agreed to. this isnt what i want for her. to have me – im not even me anymore.
    i can see my line in the distance, crossing it means no more being miserable, and its not too far away – i can almost reach it.

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  • By Lauren Tucker Keymaster

    Jnkfile,
    Thanks for posting in our forums. I am so sorry to hear all that you have gone through and what you continue to go through, we are glad you are here becuase you are not alone.

    Getting a definitive RA diagnosis can be long and frustrating and while the community may offer you some support I thought this link would be helpful in finding a Rheumatologist near you: http://www.rheumatology.org/Directories/Find-a-rheumatologist

    We encourage you if you haven’t already done so to reach out to a local support group or support person, we certainly don’t want you to lose hope. Additionally, if you do feel like losing hope we want you to reach out to the suicide hotline- 1-800-273-8255 (with live chat) or visit their site- http://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

    Please reach out to us anytime for anything we are here for you.
    Wishing you all the best.
    Warmly,
    Lauren (RheumatoidArthritis.net Team)

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