Unwanted Pity
How to deal with sympathetic on lookers when having mobility issues. Is it normal to feel "mad"?
Hi,
!
I think it's pretty normal to feel irritated by people's sympathetic looks, especially if those looks lean towards pitying, if that makes sense. We have a number of community members that use mobility aids and they understand the stares and looks (from judgemental to dismissive to, yes, sympathetic). One of our contributors, Kelly Mack, has been dealing with RA (and the stares) for almost her entire life and she writes a bit about it here -- https://rheumatoidarthritis.net/living/unwanted-stares. And she discusses more about educating others about RA (and how exhausting that can be) here -- https://rheumatoidarthritis.net/living/explaining-my-disability. I won't pretend to know what it's like to be in your position, so I do hope some of our other members that can relate chime in here. But, I do think your feelings are normal and valid.
Best, Erin, Team Member.
Hi
. I happen to be Kelly Mack's husband. I think Erin offered two great articles because they illustrate the juxtaposition between not wanting to deal with the looks and wanting to educate people. Context matters a lot. For Kelly, sometimes she is happy to discuss her RA and disability and at other times it is just too much. How the other person handles the situation also matters. I want to share one more article Kelly wrote on how to stick out: https://rheumatoidarthritis.net/living/stick. I know none of this is really providing a specific answer to your question. I think the short answer is that it is o.k. and understandable to sometimes get mad - you may often want to be just another person going about your day and business. Also, as you note, people may often mean well, but that still doesn't obligate you to be o.k. with the looks. Again, the context matters and you get to choose how you feel about and handle a given situation. Best, Richard (Team Member) I have received no pity that I can detect. Honestly if someone is kind I don’t care if the source of that kindness is pity. Bus drivers can be quite nice and helpful possibly just because it is their job but I am happy for it.
From a stranger, I may get an eye-roll for being slow or a disgusted look/comment about my weight. I also find many people are dismissive of me and get angry when I have brain fog.
Honestly I would not mind more pity but I realize many are far worse off than me in this city, so pity is more likely to be directed towards people who are begging for money or desperately trying to sell water.
But perhaps the pity you are describing is something condescending rather than kind?Hi
. I think you are on to something about the differences. In Kelly's case, when the looks/reactions have been problematic it has more been a case of overly inquisitive, as opposed to helpful or compassionate. I do want to note that, as you discovered, there are plenty of good people out there who not only are helpful, but treat Kelly as a full human being, who just happens to have a disability. We've also met many nice bus drivers (and some on the opposite end of the spectrum who have not wanted to pick Kelly up). I guess it is like any aspect of life (such as some of the encounters you described), there is the good and the bad and you just hope the former outweighs that later. Also, hope places like this can tip that scale some. Best, Richard (Team Member) 
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I get comments about my weight and height all the time, especially from strangers. Then there are the people who say, "well, if you would just lose weight, you wouldn't need a handicapped plate."
They don't understand that my RA is the reason I have gained weight, and the reason I have a disability.
That is the reason I rarely engage with such people.
Mary Sophia
The sympathetic looks are not a big deal to me. I appreciate someone holding the door, allowing me to walk slowly or stopping their car so I can cross. It's the young children who fascinate me with their long stares. They don't know what to think.
i have had RA since I've been 23 years old. I wasn't diagnosed for 10 years. I lived on advil and during that time I got a lot of deformity in my joints of my hands and my feet, my neck goes forward. I'm kind of bent over. I get so many stares. I cannot stand it. I also have a rare Gain ulceration, due to RA? So I have my ankles wrapped up due to large wounds. The looks, the stairs, the talks, the snickers. It's just horrible and I seem to get a lot of stairs from older people. I just don't understand it. So 1 day, my boyfriend told this little girl If you don't stop staring at her, you're going to end up getting exactly what she has and she ran screaming to her mother. You know, sometimes you just can't take it. Sometimes I just like to walk into a room with his help. And tell people, okay, I have RA and I have wounds on my ankles, so before you stare, that's what it is. Some people thought I had polio others thought, I had a cerebral palsy, I had an older person. I've known for years that hadn't seen me. And once he seen me at work years ago, he said, what the hell happened to you that was so ignorant? So I understand the stairs. I stay at home a lot also. But when I first started getting crippled, I really sheltered at home and that's a terrible, terrible way to live, and sometimes I tell people, I hate healthy people, nothing personal plus when I pull into a handicapped spot, majority of people, I see jump right out of the car and don't understand why. Why they have a handicap sticker? But if they're still in the car and I get out of the car, they look at me like, wow, something's really wrong with her, I just don't get it.People are so ignorant today Hi
. The stares certainly can be hard to take. I think Kelly was more accustomed to it than most due to being diagnosed and disabled so young. She wrote here about how, as things reopened after COVID she had to get used to it all over again: https://rheumatoidarthritis.net/living/unwanted-stares.
I honestly don't think people are more ignorant today. I think it is more the case that previously disabled people were not expected to go out in public much and participate in society. Accessibility is a relatively new thing because disabled people demanded more. I agree that being sheltered away is not a way to live and it is good that more disabled people are refusing to be hidden away. Kelly loves to travel, but make no mistake, it can be hard. And what makes it hard is most often other people. Everything else we can usually find a way to deal with, if other people don't actively make things more difficult ... and that is a big if. Glad you have decided to live your life on your terms. Best, Richard (Team Member)
