Hi Fred,
I have RA and am married with two children, so have a patient's perspective on how it can affect the entire family. I also have a Master's in psychology with counseling training, so I thought I could share some ideas. We are in opposite roles, as my wife often is the one helping me out with the difficulties of the disease.
First off, there is no doubt that being a caregiver is a difficult job. Chronic pain changes the dynamics of a relationship, and can often so profoundly change the behavior of the person in pain as to make them unrecognizable at times. Working out some sort of agreement on how to handle the pain, what each partner can do and cannot do, is a general strategy. Discussing each of your needs, expectations, what to do on the worst days, and creating boundaries you both agree to can be a good place to start if you have not done so already.
I find it is best to have any sort of communication about the difficulties of the illness when the difficulties aren't present (or when they are at a low). It is hard to communicate effectively when both parties are stressed out or in the throes of the moment. I find discussing RA with my wife when I am not in the midst of pain gives both of us more clarity on the situation.
Additionally, something to consider is discussing a plan together to change maladaptive communication. Discuss how you feel when certain things are said, and ask her to give feedback about what you are doing and saying as well. It can be very helpful to have a mutual understanding of how the illness affects your marriage for both parties if you have not already, and a plan to change things in a positive direction that you come up with together and agree on.
These are just some ideas I thought I would share. I deeply respect caregivers for all you do. I hope things improve for both you and your wife.
There are some online support groups for family members as well: The Arthritis Foundation has a support group called RA Connect and MDjunction.com has a Rheumatoid Forum. Additionally, I hope you will find support on our site, forums, and Facebook community.
One of our site writers is also a caregiver and has many excellent essays you might find helpful, all available here: https://rheumatoidarthritis.net/author/robosberg/
Best— Michael (rheumatoidarthritis.net team member)