Mourning The Life I Used To Have
Anybody out there mourning the life you used to live?
As we start spring I miss biking to work, running in short races and walking to best golf course in the Puget Sound. How have you handled these feelings?
For Me, KB253, I am mourning the life I was supposed to have.
My big flare and diagnosis came just as my youngest child left for college. I'd dedicated 20+ years to raising the kids and it was time to decide what I wanted to do for me. Apparently, I'm supposed to spend this time learning how to take care of myself. I was looking forward camping and hiking with my husband. Eventually, I'm hoping to get there. Shorter hikes and no primitive campsites.
Dealing with the feelings of what I've missed has led me to start a kind of a graditude practice. I decided to concentrate on the things I can do. I do still acknowledge that I cant take the long hike, but I can enjoy a short walk in the park. And I am determined to truly enjoy that walk, not tell my self I'm just settling.
I've started doing things I wouldn't have before: restorative yoga, tai chi, meditation. They are not the things I did before but I wouldn't have done them otherwise. I found what I can go and I'm trying to do them with the same energy I did things before. That said, it took more than a year to feel this way. I think there is a mourning period.
I also live in Washington State, it's to cold and rainy to go running anyway!
Hi KB253 and Merry,
KB253-I just wanted to let you know that you are so not alone in these feelings, as evidenced by Merry's awesome share. I'm sure there are many others in the community that you may stumble upon (or who may add to this thread too!) that have very similar feelings. We so hear you in these feelings, and can feel your frustration and pain. Please know we're here for you always, even if it's just when you need a friend to vent to.
Merry-I absolutely loved your response to KB253. This is such an awesome share, and your attitude is amazing. I love how you've been able to find the positives in things. I especially love your final line about living in Washington state! What an incredible outlook! Thank you so much for sharing how you cope with your RA battle. I'm sure it will make a difference in many of our community members' journeys.
For the both of you, I thought you may resonate on these two articles regarding mouring the loss of your old life and coping with RA, if you ever want to check them out. No pressure! You can find these here if you're interested, https://rheumatoidarthritis.net/blog/mourning-what-could-have-been/ and https://rheumatoidarthritis.net/living/coping-with-it/
Wishing you both the best, and sending gentle hugs your way! -Casey, RheumatoidArthritis.net Team
Yes, that has what has hit me the hardest. I even told my doc that the life I used to have is over. Right now I am working on my diet and supplements. Just found out that Nettle works on suppressing the TNF alpha compound, which is a function of a very expensive prescription. I know she wants me to go on meds but I am not willing to do that at this point.
Would it be easier than reading every label, throwing all the food I had in the house out and spending less on cheap food? Certainly. But if I just went to prescription meds I would never find out if the old leaky gut theory is correct. I've met people who have corrected, not suppressed, their immune systems so I have to try.
Accepting the disease has been hard. Accepting how awful our food supply actually is feels like another loss. My old way of living and eating seem to be a thing of the past. But hey, the good news is I dropped five pounds in the last week!
Hi! I’m still in the grief stage post diagnosis but now that I’m almost a year in I must say the depression has gotten slightly better and I’m more accepting of this disease. The first 8 months were rough as they put me on a different drug every other month or so and I was so sick from side effects that I could barely get out of bed and was worried that would be the rest of my life, but now that I’m finding a better tolerance of my new med I’m starting to try to force myself to do things a couple months ago I’d be physically unable to do. I saw this video of a doctor who talks about how powerful our mind and thoughts are on our body and health and so I try to talk myself into thinking more positively about my body and what it can handle and that does seem to help sometimes (esp when I’m trying to motivate myself to go to the gym) I also started reading a lot to escape and that has also taken me out of my depressive slumps many times where I miss my old life/self/body. I love reading about the strong, fierce heroines who have to overcome so much in romantasy novels which inspire me to take control of my emotions and make myself live like I used to! ☺️ I just fight every day to remind myself that though my life is a bit (ok a lot lol) more complicated now I just have to work harder mentally to get myself to live life the way I used to and trick myself into thinking I am strong enough to get through this uphill battle and hope that w time my body will start believing it too! Best of luck! And let me know if u need any recommendations on books 😉
, I think it's pretty normal to feel depressed after getting such a serious, life changing diagnosis. And the pain that can come with RA surely doesn't help one's frame of mind.
I am so glad you are working on changing your mindset. While we can't fix every problem just by being more positive, taking the time to practice good self care (that escapism reading counts!) and exercising our "positivity muscles" can't hurt! I have been doing that myself. And you ARE strong enough to face those uphills battles, even if you are dragging your body along for the ride. And I don't mean that in a toxic positivity kind of way. I think many times, we underestimate how strong we are and we forget all of the past challenges we survived. You just keep doing what works for you and I hope you continue to see positive results. And I am always up for some book recommendations. 😀
Best, Erin, Team Member.Hi
. As I read your post I thought of this article from my friend on how to cope (or not cope) with RA: https://rheumatoidarthritis.net/living/personal-approach-coping. He begins by noting that when asked the question: "Well, here’s my answer: I just do! Awesome! Talk soon." Knowing this doesn't quite cut it for others with RA he goes into further detail, but the reality is, as you are learning, it sometimes starts with just doing.
Also, I can tell you that my wife, Kelly, was diagnosed at age two, 47 years ago and still often talks to her body, convincing it to do things it may not want (she actually is really good about exercising every day to try to maintain her abilities. Although a necessary break when your body needs it is absolutely ok).
You mentioned reading to escape. Everyone needs those things - Kelly also reads or binges some show (or puts up with me 😀 ), Dan plays video games. I would say to anyone with a chronic condition - find that thing or things and whatever it is - you do you.
Finally, I want to share our contributor Michael's article on what he refers to as "The Tyranny of the Shoulds:" https://rheumatoidarthritis.net/living/the-ideal-image-and-the-tyranny-of-the-shoulds-old-school-psychology. The concluding note about the dangers of comparing old and new self and moving forward is a powerful one - "The frustration the disease brings is a constant battle. We don't need our own tyranny of the shoulds and self-imposed guilt making it worse. It is enough to do the best we can." Please know that this community is here for you. Best, Richard (Team Member)
