Asking for Help Is a Skill We Need to Learn

I have come to understand that asking for help of any kind for those of us with RA is 1) not easy, as many of us are type A personalities and very independent-minded, and 2) necessary to successfully manage RA. These may seem somewhat contradictory but should blend together quite nicely.

I was used to being independent and self-reliant

As a type A person who tends to “do it myself,” I found reaching out to others nearly impossible to consider, even when my RA was especially intense. Both professionally and personally, I liked being independent and self-reliant. I had been that way for my entire life.

When RA entered my life, the sheer prospect of needing others to assist me in any way was an anathema to me. It was anxiety-inducing, to say the least. I was paying a hefty price for this, as my rheumatologist pointed out to me, and change was necessary.

I learned to welcome help

My family were the first people I “allowed” to help me. Especially my youngest son, who was 8 years old at the time. He begged me to let him brush my hair when I could not raise my arm. He insisted on carrying in packages when I could barely lift an empty bag, let alone one filled with groceries. I convinced myself that this was a good way for him to learn that helping others was noble. 

In fact, I realized that it made my life much better. From there, I let the rest of my family help out, and they all convinced me that by doing this it not only was better for me but for them as well. They felt they could now do something concrete to support me. I clearly was better off when they helped!

Instead of denying that I needed help, I learned to welcome it and request it when necessary, a huge step forward for me.

Allowing support from colleagues and healthcare teams

Next, I tackled allowing professional colleagues to assist. I learned to delegate among my staff when my RA was in attack mode. The lesson here was that this was a positive professional step forward as well as a personal one, because it showed a confidence in my staff that they thrived upon. Even when my RA was in retreat, I now was more comfortable handing over the reins to staff and letting them take on new challenges and responsibilities. It turned into a win-win for all of us.

Medical assistance was probably the easiest to allow, because early on I knew I needed strong and consistent support from my medical care team if I was going to successfully manage my RA. I think by starting with that, it became the gateway for allowing it from others.

Learning to accept kind gestures

Probably the most difficult group to accept if from were strangers. I often had people ask if they could help — for example, if they saw me struggling to lift something. My immediate and automatic response was, “No, thanks, I am good.” Which, of course, I was not. I have to say I still struggle with this one. Hopefully, I will learn to accept these kind gestures as well.

In the end, I am far better — both physically and mentally — for my willingness to accept, and even invite, assistance.

Nan