Entering Fierce Mode
My world shrinks smaller when I go into “fierce mode.” I pull back from outreach and engagement. I determine what are the necessary things for me to do, and concentrate on only those. I focus my steely gaze on a singular goal: recovery.
What is "fierce mode?"
“Fierce mode” is what I call the frame of mind I enter when seriously ill or undergoing surgery. It is when I practice extreme focus on surviving, healing, and recovering. I stop checking email regularly and respond infrequently. I don’t make calls. I rarely make plans to see people. I take leave or cut my work hours. I truly strip everything down to the essential question: What do I need to do to heal and get through this time? Everything else is extraneous and can wait.
Overcoming life's hardships
I first learned to do this as a teenager when I had a series of joint replacement surgeries and extra surgeries to address subsequent complications. For the most serious period, I was out of school, and it was my sole job to heal and recover. It was challenging to focus on that, and I kept missing my old life, but I had to go through this in order to feel better and return to living.
Since then, I’ve had serious infections and a knee revision — all of which required some time for this “fierce mode.” For my knee revision and recovery, it took about 6 months. The most recent example was when I had my left reverse shoulder replacement last fall. Although not as long (about 2 months), I had to focus on healing, resting, and early physical therapy before I could engage in other activities.
Taking care of myself
I call it “fierce mode” because I am uncompromising about keeping all my energy towards healing and recovery activities, like physical therapy. It makes me feel hard and sharp, that I can’t let up my grip on my goal. I can’t spare energy for others, but under normal conditions, that is very unusual for me. I have to have total focus on my body and what it needs to get through the challenges of healing, coping with pain and discomfort, and adjusting to whatever rehabilitation I am undergoing.
To be honest, I’m not sure others understand, but I hope they do. Generally, I have less energy than most people, so when I am sick or recovering, my resources are even more taxed. It takes longer to do the basics for every day living and I need much more help than usual. It really falls hard on my husband, Richard, who is helping me and supporting me, while also worrying and hoping for a swift recovery.
My coping strategy for difficult times
I think of “fierce mode” as a short but necessary time period when I’m using all I’ve got to boost myself through a difficult time. It’s that booster attached to a rocket struggling to leave Earth. It’s a keen focus of my limited energy to get me through the hardest part of healing and towards recovery, or, to keep the metaphor going, a nice stable orbit.
When I’m feeling progress and that the momentum will continue even if I loosen my focus, I can gradually throttle back “fierce mode.” I can start writing some emails, reaching out to friends, and taking time away from constant rehabilitation to begin to smell the roses again. I get through “fierce mode” by knowing it will pass, that it is temporary, and that there is much to enjoy and look forward to when I am feeling better and my health is more stable and stronger.
For me, “fierce mode” is a coping strategy for some of the hardest, most physically challenging periods of my life. It is not a way to live indefinitely. But it has certainly gotten me through some hard times and helped me return to the daily life I so enjoy.
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