Heartbroken

“Mental pain is less dramatic than physical pain, but it is more common and also more hard to bear. The frequent attempt to conceal mental pain increases the burden: it is easier to say 'My tooth is aching' than to say 'My heart is broken.'" -C.S. Lewis

My head is constantly throbbing; my right foot and ankle endure shooting, stabbing pain every day; the bursitis in my hips burns me when I try to sleep at night. But these things are nothing compared to the pain my heart and soul feel. My heart is broken.

The grief of losing a loved one

My beloved Auntie Jean died on October 10th after a short but horrific battle with cancer (probably ovarian, but it’s complicated). She was only 67 years old, and it has been a terrible shock to my entire family.

My mother, one of my aunt's older sisters, is lost without her. Her kids and husband are grieving deeply. My sister, mom, and I have a sickening sadness in us that will not go away--ever, I’m guessing? Auntie Jean was a second mother to me and was always someone I could talk to about anything and everything.

A lifetime of chronic pain

Auntie Jean also understood what it was like to live and struggle with chronic pain. Ever since she was a kid, she suffered from chronic pain and endured numerous surgeries due to various health conditions. The cancer that destroyed her body was also unspeakably painful.

Why she had to suffer from so much physical pain in her life, I don’t know. Why must any of us? What's the purpose? It's beyond frustrating and can drive a person crazy trying to find answers that can never be found. I just can’t make sense of anything or believe she’s gone. If I stop and think about it too much (or even a little), tears well up in my eyes and spill down my cheeks. The only thing I can find solace in right now is the fact that she is finally free from pain.

How do I cope with this?

However, while my aunt's pain is now gone, ours has exploded into every corner and inch of our lives. I think my heart is literally breaking sometimes; that's how severe my mental and emotional anguish can become whenever I think of my lovely, kind, and hilariously funny aunt.

My heart breaks that she suffered extreme pain and disability for most of her 67 years on earth. And my heart breaks that cancer viciously destroyed her body and spirit while she fought so hard to live. It's simply not fair that my loving and selfless aunt was forced to endure a lifetime of pain, sickness, and suffering. It's not fair that any of us with chronic pain and chronic illnesses must live with such pain day after day.

“One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love.” -Sophoclese

Forever in my heart

It will take me a long time to heal from my aunt's death, if I can at all. The wound of losing her is still so fresh and raw and brutally sliced open. But despite my immense pain and grief, I know I need to keep her memory alive with lots of love. She worked hard and did so much for others despite being in debilitating pain every day. If I can emulate her love and kindness in any way, it will be the least I can do to honor such a wonderful person.

I love and miss you so much, my dear Auntie Jean. I hope you are running, jumping, and dancing up in Heaven.