RA and Agonizing Over Decisions
Choices. Decisions. Paths. When you have a chronic illness like rheumatoid arthritis (RA), it seems like every day is filled with life and death choices and if you don’t choose right, your life will be infinitely worse going forward.
Even something as small as what to have for dinner – pizza from the second-best pizza place that never puts enough sauce on the pizza or tacos from the new Mexican place that everyone’s been raving about, but you really don’t like Tex-Mex food.
It feels like even that can have a significant impact on the next week of your life. So, how do we navigate all those forks in the road?
My take on crucial life decisions
Well, I’m going to let you in on a little secret that I’ve learned over the tenure of my own illness. The thing is, when I say it, you’re probably not going to believe me. Now, true, I have never lied to you before, but still, this is going to sound like bunk.
OK, here goes: When agonizing over life’s decisions, remember, ultimately it doesn’t really matter what you chose. See, I told you. You think I’m bonkers or, at the very least, you’re saying, “That doesn’t sound right.”
It’s true, though. Those crucial life decisions you seem to face at every turn with rheumatoid arthritis and other chronic illnesses don’t really matter. At least, not in the way that you think they do.
One path or the other
Of course, choices change things; that goes without saying. But, all those decisions do is put you on one path or another.
If you choose this medication or that medication, to have that operation or not have that operation, to tell that person you’ve always loved how you feel or keep it bottled up inside – all of those choices will change things in the short term, yes. But net-net, overall, you will end up with just about the same amount of joys and hardships, successes and failures, pain and, err, not pain.
The myth of a perfect path
The myth that there is some perfect path you can choose to make it through RA or any chronic illness with minimal pain and no joint damage is just that – a fallacy.
The truth is that whatever medicine you choose is going to have good days and bad, will probably stop working after a while, and will come with an assortment of fantastic possible side effects ranging from purple elbows to hairy eyeballs.
Doing the best with what we have
Now, I am not telling you this so you can just throw your hands up in the air, get naked, run around the local 7-11, and slather yourself with jelly donuts because nothing matters anyway.
Nor am I saying in a roundabout way that you should give up because meds don’t really work anyway. Not at all.
What I am saying is that when it comes to all the overwhelming amount of decisions you have to face on a daily basis with RA and other chronic illnesses, you simply make the best decision you can with the information you have. Pick a path and walk it the best that you can.
That’s what life with rheumatoid arthritis is. Less making the “right decision,” and more living each day with the decisions you’ve made.
Is there ever a real choice?
Also, here’s something else to consider. When was the last time you had a real choice about your illness? Choosing to delay something inevitable is not a choice; that’s just procrastination in disguise.
I can’t remember an actual, clear, real choice if I’m thinking back. Even something like, “Do I get the surgery to fix my hip or not?” wasn’t really a choice, was it? If I didn’t get the hip replacement, I’d have ended up in a wheelchair at eighteen years old. So in my book, that wasn’t really a choice, was it?
Take a hard look at the choices you’ve made recently regarding your illness and ask yourself: were they really even choices at all? If you stayed on that old medicine, sure, there would be less risk of cancer, maybe. But you’d also have no chance of getting any relief from the daily pain. So, you took those new meds to have a shot at taking away the pain.
Even though you agonized over that decision, in the end, you probably knew from the start what you were likely to do. If you’re being honest with yourself, that is.
How to handle making decisions
So, what do we do when decisions about RA and our illnesses come up? Just put them up on the wall and throw a dart? Do eeny-meany-miny-moe? Juggle knives with the choices written on them and see which one stabs you first?
No, of course not. Especially that last one. Of course, you should examine the choices and the consequences; don’t stop doing that. Just don’t let those choices immobilize you to the point where you are aggravating your illness with stress.
First, make sure it’s really a choice and not something that’s inevitable anyway (see above). If it really is a significant fork in the road, pick the choice that’s going to make your life less stressful and more joyful in the short term, because no one knows what’s going to happen long term.
Once you’ve done that and have chosen a path, walk that path to the best of your ability. Don’t wonder about what the other paths might have held because I can tell you the answer – just as many tears, joys, and 2 AM toilet-hugging, “Oh God, I swear I’m never drinking again” moments as the path you’re currently on. I promise.
No one over-analyzes like we do
Choices. When “healthy” people talk about agonizing over them, people with RA and other chronic illnesses are like, “Uh, hold my beer.” No one dissects, over-analyzes, and worries about choices like we do, and, in the end, it’s all for naught.
Whether it’s not really a choice at all or it is something that really does “matter,” in the end, you pick a path and you walk it with the world-renowned strength, vulnerability, and empathy that people with chronic illness are famous for. Talk soon.
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