Exhausted By Strength

By Angela Lundberg

3 min read

"I dream of never being called resilient again in my life. I'm exhausted by strength. I want support. I want softness. I want ease. I want to be amongst kin. Not patted on the back for how well I take a hit. Or for how many."
--Zandashé L'Orelia Brown

The constant need to be strong

I really love this quote. I found it recently when someone posted it on social media, and I immediately took a screenshot and saved it to my phone. There are an overwhelming amount of posts on social media, Instagram especially, that are meant to be inspirational or philosophical or deal with matters of the mind, heart, and soul.

They're all over the place, which can sometimes be quite annoying, but this one leaped out at me as soon as I read it. It resonates with me so much and is the first time I've seen someone write about strength and resilience in this way. Reading it, I thought, "YES! Yes, this is me. I am exhausted by strength."

Resilience is exhausting

It seems like so many people--writers, speakers, teachers, leaders, activists, family, friends--are constantly hammering the message to be resilient and strong onto our smartphone screens and into our brains. Especially if you struggle with a chronic illness, such as RA, those messages become more about congratulating us for being resilient and strong and taking the "hits" in life that chronic diseases can throw at people.

While I absolutely do appreciate being recognized for being resilient and strong from dealing with the countless struggles and obstacles that chronic illness and chronic pain bring into my life, at the same time I'm very tired of having to be resilient in the first place.

I just want a break

Like Brown says in her quote, I also want support, softness, and ease. It's impossible to express just how deeply exhausted I am, physically and emotionally, from living with the pain and sickness of RA every day since August 1996. That's a very long time to have to be strong and get hit with so many painful things that RA causes. This disease is unpredictable and relentless. It's cruel, and I feel like it's constantly stalking me. I'm always on edge and on guard one way or another, because I never know when my RA will flare-up and strike extra hard. When it comes down to it, I just want a break.

RA is a full-time job

Living with RA for so long has not been easy. It's been the complete opposite. It's brutally hard living with this disease. I feel like I'm constantly getting hit with something: flare-ups, bursitis, fibromyalgia, severe tension headaches, TMJ, anxiety, depression, frustration, disappointment, grief, regret, anger, medication side effects, self-esteem issues, low-grade fevers, joint damage, physical appearance changes, loss, isolation, longing, relationship issues, workplace challenges, and the list goes on and on.

Having and managing a chronic illness is a full-time job, and unfortunately, it doesn't pay.

Dreaming of life without chronic illness

I know I'm being repetitive, but I can't say it enough: LIVING WITH RA IS EXHAUSTING. So, so exhausting. There have been times when I've thought, "What would it be like to have just one day not having this disease? Just one day to feel like I did when I was a teenager before I got RA? What would it feel like to not have physical pain?" I would love and give anything to be able to take off this heavy weight of chronic pain that's been crushing my back and shoulders for over 20 years. What would softness and ease feel like? Wonderful, I imagine.

I'm sure I'm not alone in having these feelings and wanting to have a break from the pain and illness of RA. Never again being called "resilient" and "strong" because of my disease would be a much-welcomed and needed change. I'm tired of being strong for all of these years. I want to have the luxury again of life being easy--or easier, at least.

This article represents the opinions, thoughts, and experiences of the author; none of this content has been paid for by any advertiser. The RheumatoidArthritis.net team does not recommend or endorse any products or treatments discussed herein. Learn more about how we maintain editorial integrity here.

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L rick Phillips Moderator & Contributor
I also bristle from being called resilient. I always think I really am not resilient. Resilience is when I have a choice. I look at people who climb a mountain because they want to and then encounter a hail storm but keep going. Those people are resilient. When I have to endure something because I have no choice that is more than resilient. To me that is a manifestation of life and it is far bigger than self.
Diamonds500 Member
Yes living with Ra is exhausting today the least when I've been like this since I have had my children and because it dosnt show up in my blood tests might get results when I go see the cardiologist in about a week and a half really hope so as I a fed up of having all these problems and no one telling me what actually wrong. And it's really hard to loose weight and walk when you have arthritis to contend with as well as everything else to do look after grandchildren very hard when I want to sleep with fatigue. Diamonds500.
Daniel Malito Moderator & Contributor
<inline-mention username="Angela Lundberg" user-id="3108088"/> It is exhausting and the way that people expect so much more of us EXACTLY BECAUSE we are so good at being strong all the time is a catch-22. They think we always should be strong because we are always so strong. It's so unnatural to people when you aren't strong that it literally makes them uncomfortable I think. So what do we do? Suck it up more. Suck it up until we can't suck any more and then things, well, suck! Ha ha. Good stuff. Keep on keepin' on, DPM
1. christine.laaksonen Community Admin
 Good for you for taking care of yourself and going to bed when you needed to! I'm sorry to hear that your husband is experiencing some health issues and not handling them well. I can hear exhausting that would be. Sending gentle hugs your way. -- Warmly, Christine (Team Member)
2. Daniel Malito Moderator & Contributor
 <inline-mention username="theboyzmom" user-id="3149404"/> Exactly. Some days you just do, especially if you have the luck to have an opportunity to do so when there isn't some pressing issue or fire to put out! Keep on keepin' on, DPM
CommunityMember2215 Member
Excellent post, excellent example of our lives living with autoimmune diseases... I've been living with RA 💪💜 for 38 yrs, beginning as a young mother of two ambitious boys, a wonderful career and a husband whom I had planned to spend the rest of my life together, building memories. Life was busy ☺️ and fun... When struck with the beginning symptoms of RA my focus had to change. From strength of the family to strength to survive... ....sometimes I feel so cheated of things that would be different, had I not been forced into a battle no could see or understand. W We have no other choice... 38 yr warrior RA 💪💜 With all said, I still love Life and living in the moment. @
1. RHall Community Admin
 <inline-mention username="CommunityMember2215" user-id="3151906"/> Your perspective is wonderful. I know it's hard to have such a change from the life or path you envisioned. But your last sentence about still finding ways to live in the moment and find joy in the life that is in front of you is admirable. Thanks for sharing with the group. - Reggie, team member 
2. Richard Faust Community Admin
 Hi <inline-mention username="CommunityMember2215" user-id="3151906"/>. When I read your post, for some reason I flashed to a quote from the movie The Natural - “You know, I believe we have two lives. The life we learn with and the life we live with after that." I guess the difference is RA doesn't really give one the option of doing the learning first. It just brings on the changes. I do want to share with you this recent article from our contributor <inline-mention username="Daniel Malito" user-id="3160778"/> discussing how if you could go back and change the RA you end up changing everything, including who you are: <a href='https://rheumatoidarthritis.net/living/what-would-you-do' target='_blank'>https://rheumatoidarthritis.net/living/what-would-you-do</a>. As you illustrate, it often seems no one understands like those who deal with a chronic illness like RA, how precious time is and to live in the moment. Best, Richard (RheumatoidArthritis.net Team)
L rick Phillips Moderator & Contributor
Indeed, live forward. We really have no other choice.
Effie Koliopoulos Moderator & Contributor
Well said- I am feeling this lately. I once made a joke that "RA never goes on vacation, but it should really take a hike." Everyone needs a break from their full-time job and RA happens to be a job many on the outside don't get. I also think people who share thoughts on resilience and strength, do so to remind themselves and others. Though I get what you mean about it being everywhere. -Effie, team member
1. Angela Lundberg Contributor
 <inline-mention username="Effie Koliopoulos" user-id="3227889"/> Thank you for your comment, Effie. Haha, yes, RA really should take a (long) hike! I've said for a long time that managing my RA has been my FT job, because it IS a FT job. Too bad we can't get paid for it. I think recognizing the strength and resilience it takes to live with this disease is definitely important, but sometimes you just don't WANT to be strong anymore. You want to stop fighting. I do, anyway.
harpat949 Member
Do your self a favor. Try a simple health experiment to see if your RA is food related. Eat a single food item like a green salad or baked sweet potato for 3 days and see if your pain goes away. Do not eat anything else during these three days and only water for drink. Absolutely nothing else. A tiny piece of cookie or a single peanut can invalidate the experiment. If your pain goes away, your RA is due to some food allergy. Generally a person is allergic only to a few food items may be 6 or 10 and you need to find those. Once you know your RA is food related, you can add one item at a time to your diet for about 3 days and if your pain is completely gone, white list that item and if pain come back, you have found one bugger. Don't panic, the pain will go away in 3 to 5 days once you stop eating the bugger. Keep experimenting and find all buggers and black list them. Avoid the most likely culprits like wheat product and peanuts initially. They should be the last to be tested. Also avoid processed foods, meats, fast foods, junk foods initially. Also don't eat any foods you now you cannot tolerate. You can test them last if there are any you love. Your first priority should be to find the buggers. This process is obviously safe because there you are only eating foods the whole world does. Do not bother to consult any one who profits from useless RA treatments. You will be talked out of it. They will tell you RA is an autoimmune disease for which there is no cure and food has nothing to do with it. Check out reputable medical sites like Mayo clinic regarding food and RA. I did this 25 years ago. I recovered 100% and RA has not returned. Good luck to all.
1. L rick Phillips Moderator & Contributor
 <inline-mention username="harpat949" user-id="5526436"/> Thank you for your comments. Despite several scientific studies, a clear connection has not been fully established for everyone. Indeed, food has been one of the more misunderstood triggers that may cause flares or general inflammation. For some it has been established as the ultimate trigger, yet for others, not so much. As for me (only me), I am delighted with the medications I have access to. I hope that your food-based system continues to work wonderfully for you. I am sure you wish the same for me and my decision, along with my doctors, to use biologic medications.
harpat949 Member
The whole point of my story was that it has worked for thousands of people according to doctors who practiced it . Have you read the book by Dr. Max Warmbrand "How Thousands of my arthritis patients recovered their health. He documents case histories and user reviews are all 5 stars. Have you read the gory side effects of methotrexate that comes with the drug. They are so horrible, even the makers have begun to not recommend this cancer drug for RA. It is a life time drug that claims to reduce some pain which returns when treatment is discontinued even after 12 years of treatments. Just what is the point? It is just a cash cow for RA treaters. These warnings are everywhere, every clinical website I visited. On the other hand Mayo clinic strongly recommends diet as a reliever of RA. in at least four documents. If you are happy with your drug, it is none of my concern. I wrote it for those who are not happy with their outcomes because they have been misled by pharma shills. And it cannot do any harm even it does not work anymore than drinking a glass of water The result will show up in 3 days except for some pharma fans. Here is a quote from Dr. Ardon of Mayo clinic. And she is not the only believer. “Research indicates that there is a link between diet and inflammation," says Dr. Ardon. "Although this is a normal process in response to an injury or an infection, sometimes inflammation can turn into a chronic process and actually be widespread throughout the body." Long-term inflammation is linked to several diseases and conditions, such as rheumatoid arthritis and heart disease." And here is a quote from Medline Methotrexate <a href='http://medlineplus.gov/druginfo/meds/a682019.html' target='_blank' rel='noopener noreferrer ugc'>medlineplus.gov/druginfo/meds/a682019.html</a> IMPORTANT WARNING: Methotrexate may cause very serious, life-threatening side effects. You should only take methotrexate to treat cancer or certain other conditions that are very severe and that cannot be treated with other medications. Talk to your doctor about the risks of taking methotrexate for your condition.
harpat949 Member
Please let me add an important addition to my comment. You are absolutely correct in stating several scientific studies have not established a clear link between diet and Rheumatism. I do not doubt that. I do not know how they established it but I imagine they switched one diet set to another. That will produce random successes. If a person is sensitive to several items and there are one or two offending item in each set RA will not go away. If the second set has no offending item then RA will go away. So naturally there is no clear link. Dr. Warmbrand is the only Dr. who realized that every person has different sensitivities. There is no menu that will work for every one. The offending food items must be identified in a multi step process of trial and error. Once all offending foods are identified and removed from the diet, it has cured thousands of patients with 100% success according to his book. So a proper study does show a very clear link between food and diet. All the others produce mixed results but even if the incorrect method is used , it has a lot of value. Say for example only 30% of the patients are cured, that is still a good gamble because it costs virtually nothing as no exotic foods are used. 30% is a lot of patients and the life long treatment of the alternatives have produced even less successes to say nothing of the deadly side effects. Actual deaths have been reported. With the proper study, the link is 100%. Most allopathic drug trials as reported by the drug companies almost never have that success rate. In fact I have seen FDA approval granted to some drug that produced only about 6% success rate compared 3% for placebo and the success was a very dubious as the amount of improvement was not reported. Pain for example cannot be determined by small percentage improvement. My pain was reduced by 7% is nonsense. On top of that the trial results include fatal and disabling side effects that were ignored. That company is right now facing massive number of lawsuits. 
1. Lori Foster Community Admin
 Hi <inline-mention username="harpat949" user-id="5526436"/>. It certainly doesn't hurt to try an elimination diet, for sure. I also moderate on our PsA community and many people there have successfully reduced their symptoms with dietary changes. I haven't seen that as much in the RA community. It makes sense that allergic reactions or sensitivities would cause inflammation and make RA symptoms worse. Dietary changes won't cure RA, but they might help some people bring symptoms under control and maybe even avoid medication, depending on the severity of their RA. Thanks for sharing! - Lori (Team Member) 
2. harpat949 Member
 <inline-mention username="Lori Foster" user-id="4585696"/> Thanks for taking interest in my comments. But please let me explain. It is about permanent cure and not getting symptoms under control like allopathic treatments. and something that is known to work for all. It is always possible that one in 100 or 10,000 may not benefit because it does not address physical injury but for all practical purposes, 100% cure for 100% people if it is RA or even similar inflammatory disease. The reason diet change has worked for some and not worked for others is that the foods that cause RA flares are different per individual. There are many people selling or proposing certain diets. It is shooting in the dark. It will work for a some and not others. If a person is allergic to say 8 food items, as I was, chances are high recipe will contain one of those item so it will not work no matter how healthy the other items are. The healthy items do not prevent the offending item from creating a problem. Healthy items have no benefit when accompanied with an unhealthy item. By unhealthy, I mean incompatible with the individual and not so for others. And it does not matter if 99% of the diet is healthy. It is other 1% that matters. During my experiments, I found a single bite of a wheat cookie for example produced 3 days of pain. A miniscule amount of black pepper produced stabbing joint pains in minutes. Such is the power of some foods. So the trick is meticulous note keeping of diet experiment s. One method is the way Dr. Warmbrand did to find all your allergens. However I think that method is unnecessarily slow and anybody who tried it without his personal supervision was likely to loose patience and give up. The problem with that method is that he was eliminating a few items from the menu. If it did not eliminate the pain it is difficult to draw conclusion because there can be some other allergen in the diet. I think he achieved success because years of experience gave him some clues.
kentuck2az Member
It would be fantastic just to be able to DO. I once did things all day long. I never had to worry that if I do this will I be able to do the other. Now I almost always have to think first. Will this hurt? Will this cause an activity hangover? Will I be able to actually Do This? I never had to ask these questions “before”. It seems RA/RD is always about the before & the after. PreRA was real life After RA is remembering real life
1. Lori Foster Community Admin
 Sending lots of gentle hugs your way, <inline-mention username="kentuck2az" user-id="3189547"/>. - Lori (Team Member)
Mary Sophia Hawks Moderator & Contributor
YES!! Mary Sophia, moderator
David Advent Moderator & Contributor
Thanks for sharing these insights--they correlate directly with how I feel! Having RA is so exhausting, and most people just don't understand--not that I want them to feel the pain we feel, but at least to understand we are in pain. I, too, am exhausted by strength in just living life. David (RheumatoidArthritis.net Contributor/Moderator)
1. Angela Lundberg Contributor
 <inline-mention username="David Advent" user-id="3108587"/> Thank you, David. I'm glad what I wrote resonated with you! Having this disease is really exhausting, especially the longer you have it. Hang in there!