I Love and Hate My Life

By Monica Y. Sengupta

4 min read

Rheumatoid arthritis has caused a real dichotomy in my life. It caused so much turmoil but also some wonderful things.

I hate RA, but I'm also grateful for it

More often than not, I want to curl up in a ball and cry the days away, but other times, I am so grateful for what the condition has taught me and the door that opened because of it. I’ll be honest, this article will be completely back and forth. I will be up at one time; then, I will drop to my lowest. Do you experience similar feelings?

School and work

I hate that I couldn’t finish school and withdrew for 14 years.
I love that I could work and solidify what I wanted to do with my life by working as a veterinary technician.

I hate that I had to wait 14 years to continue my veterinary medicine journey.
I love that I found other careers I am good at (teacher, climber, writer).

Life experiences

I love that my worldview got significantly larger by experiencing different things.
I hate that I had to do that to the confinement of the RA.

I hate that my experiences were cut short (time-wise) so I wouldn’t flare.
I hate that this horrible disease dictated my life.
I hate that I didn’t have my peers' endurance and pain-free experience.
I love that I learned how to manage my time, check my emotions, and problem-solve my life.

I love that I became more organized, learned to manage my time, and learned to slow down and pace myself.
I love that I experienced more quiet moments and appreciated the smaller things in life.
I hate that I had to.

I love that I made new friends I never would have met if I didn’t have RA.
I don’t hate anything about that.

I hate that I couldn’t work full time, and I felt the financial pressure while balancing increased medical bills.
I hate that.

I hate that I had to wait for my life to start.
I hate that with years of part-time work, I would begin and end veterinary school with debt that would last past my lifetime.
I love that I became money-savvy and somehow managed to grow a good amount of savings.

My pets

I love that I was able to spend more time with my pets up until their deaths.
I love that we took naps together every day like a pile of ferrets.
I love that they were with me almost every day for over a decade.
I love that if I had started working sooner, I wouldn't have spent nearly as much time with them.
I hate that there were days I couldn’t take care of them to my fullest caliber.

I loved our nap times because I like to be asleep.
I love that my pets napped with me.
I hate that I needed 12 hours of sleep to function during the other 12 hours.

Symptoms and medications

I hate the pain and swelling that slowed me down. I already only had a few hours of the day, and now, I had to move slowly, too.
I hate that my symptoms were unpredictable so I could never plan ahead.
I love that I learned to be more spontaneous. I rolled with the punches and found the silver lining.

I hate the medications, the bitter steroids, the chalky pain medications.
I hate that I have to take them every day.
I love that I have access to my medications.

I love my meds.
I love that I tolerate them (mostly) and that I haven’t suffered terrible disabilities because of them.
I hate my meds.
I hate the side effects.
I hate the pain of the injections.
I hate that I take 12 disgusting pills every morning and evening.

I love my infusion.
I love that I tolerate it.
I love how well it works (think 24 hours).
I hate having to pay and sit for an hour every month.
I hate that the dose doesn’t last the full 30 days.
I hate that I am pumped with an immune suppressant that puts me at higher risk of other sicknesses.

The phyical toll of RA

I hate how rheumatoid arthritis and all of its components have destroyed my body.
I hate it because of the joint swelling, destruction of the cushioning between my joints, the osteoporosis, the dryness, and the lack of healing.
I hate that this affects my whole body.
I hate that I will have this for the rest of my life.

I hate that rheumatoid arthritis affects my entire life. I hate that it’s my constant companion. I love that it has changed me as a person. I love that I have learned so much from this disease. I love that there is always a silver lining; I just have to look for it.

I love my life. I hate my life.

Have you experienced these conflicting emotions? Leave me an “I love….., I hate….” Comment down below!

This article represents the opinions, thoughts, and experiences of the author; none of this content has been paid for by any advertiser. The RheumatoidArthritis.net team does not recommend or endorse any products or treatments discussed herein. Learn more about how we maintain editorial integrity here.

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L rick Phillips Moderator & Contributor
 I am right there with you. I love the many things chronic illness has given me and I hate the chronic disease. I love that i got to meet so many really cool people and I hate that I am doing it because of what hurts so badly. So yes much like a sister of Sheryl. You can pick which goes where in that relationship or vice versa.
JRBwithJRA Member
 
1. RHall Community Admin
 <inline-mention username="JRBwithJRA" user-id="4276478"/> Hi there! It looks like you commented but for some reason, there is no text. If you wanted to share again what you wrote that would be great! - Reggie, team member
Lisa Emrich Moderator & Contributor
I can relate. There is so much about living with this or other chronic disease that spreads to either end of the spectrum. So much positive; so much negative. But always a lot of resilience and perseverance I've found in the wonderful people I've encountered along the way. Thank you for putting this out there. I'm sure that many of us can relate. Best, Lisa, Team Member
kentuck2az Member
What a perfect way you described MY life! After 15 years I sometimes feel I have losses so much, until I realize how much I have gained. I love that I found happiness, I hate that it was only a year before my body made me unable to do more things with the man who is/was my best friend. I love how much he does to help me through life with RA I HATE that he has to help me and that I can’t always go with him to things I loved to do. I love how interesting my life has been, I hate that it is not so much fun now. I love the woman I have become I hate that I have missed out on opportunities. But more than anything- I love who I have become and the amazing family I have now. Monica - Thank you 🙏🏼 
1. Jeanne2022 Member
 <inline-mention username="kentuck2az" user-id="3189547"/> Your reply touched on feelings I'm having now. I asked my husband for a divorce, so he could living his life. Thankfully he said NO this marriage is for sickness or health. I thank God everyday for him. Give your husband an extra hug tonight---gently. We both found good partners, Thankfully. Take care. 
2. christine.laaksonen Community Admin
 <inline-mention username="Jeanne2022" user-id="4870567"/> I'm so glad to hear that your husband is there for you. Sending you gentle hugs. -- Warmly, Christine (Team Member)
deborahk Member
Thank you, Monica, this really struck a chord with me! I hate most how RA makes me feel like I'm not good enough: not productive enough, not able to do All The Things, not able to always be the family member and friend I want to be. But I think RA has also made me a more patient, compassionate, contemplative person who's able to roll with life's ups and downs and not let the little things get to me. Best, Deborah
btcavanaugh1720 Member
<inline-mention username="monicabiddle" user-id="3212368"/> I love how emotionally strong I've learned to be... I hate that I have had to!
elirose Member
Hi Monica, reminds me of one of Hallmark's movie where there was a nice or naughty book and you could look up a names and depending which side showed nice on one side and if looked showed naughty acts. We could see the bad or see the good It really showed me how to look at many things. Looking at the bad was so toxic to me and my well being. thank you , so true and put me in a good spirit. love elirose
danny777 Member
Very nice post, Monica. It is pretty strange to have anything you could sincerely state that you love about a chronic, autoimmune disease…but if there wasn’t, it would be far worse. I hate the meds…having to make sure I have them w me. I used to travel a lot - always worried about my drugs going across borders. I love my meds because they work. Wow…just wow! I was treated in various ways by my French doc in Shanghai. I returned to the US - no help. I moved back to TX, made an appointment w a new doc…walked in her place, and she said, “You should be on methotrexate.” Wonderful. I hate that there were so many people addicted to narcotics. I hate that I have, more than once, been in my car, in the pharmacy parking lot…writhing in pain, waiting for them to open - finally reached the thirty days and I could refill my pain meds. What I love most… I have learned a lot about what chronic pain is like…why my mother would cry from exhaustion…why the person on the rental car shuttle is wincing at every step…I learned how I can pray for people and how I can directly help them. I have meaningful listening that I learned…and that asking is mostly welcome. People want to explain! And I learned that yes, that person can barely walk, and yes, I saw them at HEB on the weekend and they were walking normally….and I learned that people can be really, really sick and they look fine.
CommunityMemberec44ee Member
I hate that i had to give up the hobbies i loved most running, hiking, biking. I love that I found other hobbies I could do, like quilling, and using my cricut.
Mary Sophia Hawks Moderator & Contributor
Sweet Monica! I love reading your articles! I hate that you have this to write about. I love that you are my friend. I hate that we met this way. I love that RA taught me to slow down. I hate that I have to slow down because of RA. I love having somewhere to talk about RA. I hate that I need to talk about it. I love singing in my church choir. I hate when I miss (frequently) because of how I feel with RA. I love going out with friends. I hate that I have fewer friends because of RA. I love that I understand much about RA. I hate that I cannot explain it sufficiently to non-RA people. I love that my dog snuggles next to me at night. I hate having to care for my dog at the end of a long day. (that sounds awful!) What a great article! I could go on for hours, but that would be another article. You always inspire us. Thank you! Mary Sophia, moderator
casmere Member
<inline-mention username="Monica Y. Sengupta" user-id="3214456"/> a wonderful article. I hate I had to stop dancing. I hate the losing of realationships from whom I thought were friends. I like(love) that I have made a new great friend whom accepts me with me with my disabilities. I could8 go on but you understand. Love reading your articles. Don't know why but I havent been receiving emails from RHEUMATOID ARTHRITIS SITE. I had been meaning to sign in and check it out but would forget till finally today. My email address had been deleted. I am not sure how but it was gone so is now back in. Blessing Casmere 
1. Lori Foster Community Admin
 Hi <inline-mention username="casmere" user-id="3145733"/>! I am glad you were able to fix the issue. If you have any further problems, feel free to message me and I will try to help. Best wishes! - Lori (Team Member) 
2. casmere Member
 <inline-mention username="Lori Foster" user-id="4585696"/> thank you. Will try to remember that haha. Blessings Casmere