Two identical women hold onto each other tightly, one of them is happy, one of them is crying. Self care, woman, female, hijab, depression, joy, tears, love

I Love and Hate My Life

Last updated: October 2022

Rheumatoid arthritis has caused a real dichotomy in my life. It caused so much turmoil but also some wonderful things.

I hate RA, but I'm also grateful for it

More often than not, I want to curl up in a ball and cry the days away, but other times, I am so grateful for what the condition has taught me and the door that opened because of it. I’ll be honest, this article will be completely back and forth. I will be up at one time; then, I will drop to my lowest. Do you experience similar feelings?

School and work

I hate that I couldn’t finish school and withdrew for 14 years.
I love that I could work and solidify what I wanted to do with my life by working as a veterinary technician.

I hate that I had to wait 14 years to continue my veterinary medicine journey.
I love that I found other careers I am good at (teacher, climber, writer).

Life experiences

I love that my worldview got significantly larger by experiencing different things.
I hate that I had to do that to the confinement of the RA.

I hate that my experiences were cut short (time-wise) so I wouldn’t flare.
I hate that this horrible disease dictated my life.
I hate that I didn’t have my peers' endurance and pain-free experience.
I love that I learned how to manage my time, check my emotions, and problem-solve my life.

I love that I became more organized, learned to manage my time, and learned to slow down and pace myself.
I love that I experienced more quiet moments and appreciated the smaller things in life.
I hate that I had to.

I love that I made new friends I never would have met if I didn’t have RA.
I don’t hate anything about that.

I hate that I couldn’t work full time, and I felt the financial pressure while balancing increased medical bills.
I hate that.

I hate that I had to wait for my life to start.
I hate that with years of part-time work, I would begin and end veterinary school with debt that would last past my lifetime.
I love that I became money-savvy and somehow managed to grow a good amount of savings.

My pets

I love that I was able to spend more time with my pets up until their deaths.
I love that we took naps together every day like a pile of ferrets.
I love that they were with me almost every day for over a decade.
I love that if I had started working sooner, I wouldn't have spent nearly as much time with them.
I hate that there were days I couldn’t take care of them to my fullest caliber.

I loved our nap times because I like to be asleep.
I love that my pets napped with me.
I hate that I needed 12 hours of sleep to function during the other 12 hours.

Symptoms and medications

I hate the pain and swelling that slowed me down. I already only had a few hours of the day, and now, I had to move slowly, too.
I hate that my symptoms were unpredictable so I could never plan ahead.
I love that I learned to be more spontaneous. I rolled with the punches and found the silver lining.

I hate the medications, the bitter steroids, the chalky pain medications.
I hate that I have to take them every day.
I love that I have access to my medications.

I love my meds.
I love that I tolerate them (mostly) and that I haven’t suffered terrible disabilities because of them.
I hate my meds.
I hate the side effects.
I hate the pain of the injections.
I hate that I take 12 disgusting pills every morning and evening.

I love my infusion.
I love that I tolerate it.
I love how well it works (think 24 hours).
I hate having to pay and sit for an hour every month.
I hate that the dose doesn’t last the full 30 days.
I hate that I am pumped with an immune suppressant that puts me at higher risk of other sicknesses.

The phyical toll of RA

I hate how rheumatoid arthritis and all of its components have destroyed my body.
I hate it because of the joint swelling, destruction of the cushioning between my joints, the osteoporosis, the dryness, and the lack of healing.
I hate that this affects my whole body.
I hate that I will have this for the rest of my life.

I hate that rheumatoid arthritis affects my entire life. I hate that it’s my constant companion. I love that it has changed me as a person. I love that I have learned so much from this disease. I love that there is always a silver lining; I just have to look for it.

I love my life. I hate my life.

Have you experienced these conflicting emotions? Leave me an “I love….., I hate….” Comment down below!

By providing your email address, you are agreeing to our privacy policy.

More on this topic

This article represents the opinions, thoughts, and experiences of the author; none of this content has been paid for by any advertiser. The RheumatoidArthritis.net team does not recommend or endorse any products or treatments discussed herein. Learn more about how we maintain editorial integrity here.

Join the conversation

or create an account to comment.

Community Poll

What strategy to fight fatigue is most effective for you?