I Am Not a Warrior

By L rick Phillips

3 min read

I refuse to be a warrior in the war on RA. Every time I go to an arthritis-related event, they honor warriors. I have arthritis, but I am not a warrior.

Refusing to be a warrior

If there is a war, I will not fight it. I will not put on green fatigues, get my official warrior tags, go to the enlistment post, sign papers, or be inducted into the war on arthritis. I was not drafted into a war on arthritis, and I certainly will not consider myself drafted into anything called a war inside my body. If I am drafted, I will claim conscientious objector status, burn my draft card, or return the letter unopened. I refuse to go to war with RA.

Why would I ever go to war with a part of my body? Goodness knows I have enough issues with diabetes. I cannot go to war with arthritis. I am engaged in living peacefully while having both arthritis and diabetes. I also want to live in peace with the rest of the world. To accomplish those twin goals, I cannot open a new war on myself; I do not have the capacity.

We are all in this together

That is not to say I am upset with those who consider themselves warriors. I cheer them on and wish them the very best. We all face this disease in different ways. Nor is it to say I won’t support the cause because I will.

We need research dollars, advocacy efforts, and less expensive medications. We need awareness and hope, and I fully support any activities, causes, or functions that provide resources to help us to understand and overcome this condition. When the local walk comes around, I will be volunteering to help raise money. I will be out at the site helping to arrange and facilitate the activities. I will ride the balloon ride once I raise enough money. But I will not wear a warrior badge or refer to myself as one.

I will not go to war with my own body

Why have I taken this contrarian point of view? RA is so ingrained in my body that it would be a war on myself if I fought against it. I have tried that in the past, and it does not work for me. I have been dealing with this genetic anomaly for over 20 years, and I am happy to say I have a kind of détente right now. I reached this détente after serious fighting. I went to war. I fought hard, yet RA persists. I cannot kill it nor believe it will ever be vanquished from my body in the foreseeable future.

Not giving up

Please do not misunderstand; I will not give up. But I sense the fact that I painted it like a war made RA impossible to live with. Instead, I am willing to give and take so I can survive. Today when I walk, I will walk because I love doing it with Mrs. Phillips, not because if I do not move, RA will gain territory. When I take the immune suppressants, I do it because if I do not, I will not be able to enjoy watching my grandson play basketball.

Not suppressing my immune system means I cannot play with Legos on the floor. But the détente agreement with my body requires me to do certain things to keep RA at bay. Those things are seeing the doctors, buying the medications, and getting my quarterly infusion; I am doing it to enjoy my life, not to defeat RA.

I cannot defeat RA

Over these past 20-plus years, I have learned that the more I fought RA, the more defeated I felt. No matter how much I was at war, I would never defeat it. Taking a military approach exhausted me. In fact, I lost my way. Was I capable of gaining ground? Was I 1st and 20? Was I penalized when I did not take my morning medicine at precisely 8:00 AM? I am tired of the football and war references. From now on, I am a pacifist in this war.

The words we use are important

Language is so important when it comes to chronic disease. I cannot fight something that is me. I can learn to live with it. I can coexist, but I can never defeat it. Nor will I allow it to defeat me. I am still able to visit the doctor when I need to, I am still able to ask for help, and I will not stop raising money to make the future better. But I will never again be at war with RA.

How is the war going from your point of view?

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Jo Johnson Moderator & Contributor
<inline-mention username="L rick Phillips" user-id="3194573"/> I agree; I've always struggled with calling myself a warrior. I am living with RA. With Hope for us all, Jo
1. L rick Phillips Moderator & Contributor
 <inline-mention username="Jo Johnson" user-id="3158858"/> And hope to you Jo. We al take this on as best we can and in the way we can best rationalize.
Richard Faust Community Admin
Hi <inline-mention username="L rick Phillips" user-id="3194573"/>. I've also always been very careful about not using war metaphors and it is not just because Kelly is the one with RA and not me, but more like you describe - the RA is a part of Kelly. I think when she wrote this article on blaming the body and trying to stop doing that (<a href='https://rheumatoidarthritis.net/living/body-gratitude' target='_blank'>https://rheumatoidarthritis.net/living/body-gratitude</a>), she was, in her way, heading in the same direction - finding that détente. Now for those who fight against and make accessibility difficult ... 😀 Best, Richard (RheumatoidArthritis.net Team) 
1. L rick Phillips Moderator & Contributor
 <inline-mention username="Richard Faust" user-id="3227544"/> I like Kelly's statement "Turning anger into gratitude". I was strangely thankful when diagnosed with RA. It is difficult for people to believe but for me the DX gave me a second life. Something my mom never had after 23 years with diabetes. Graceful indeed.
Lori Foster Community Admin
Thanks so much for this, . I have always disliked that analogy when it comes to illness. My sister died of breast cancer. Analogies like this imply that she failed or that she was to blame because she wasn't strong enough, she wasn't an effective warrior. Such an awesome article. Wishing you the best. - Lori (Team Member)
1. CommunityMemberb2e0f6 Member
 I truly enjoyed your article, and these responses. I too do not see myself as a ' warrior.' God bless those that do. I see these now 20+ years as a new journey. I tell myself every day, someone else is in worse condition than you. I never say, Why me? I say, Why not ME! Peace to all.
2. L rick Phillips Moderator & Contributor
 Peace to you as well !!!
Jo Johnson Moderator & Contributor
<inline-mention username="Lori Foster" user-id="4585696"/> , Yes! That!
leannjensen Member
I definitely cannot relate to the "warrior" language a lot of people use. Trying harder or wishing or walking in charity walks won't make it go away and the endless positivity is exhausting.
1. L rick Phillips Moderator & Contributor
 <inline-mention username="leannjensen" user-id="4538347"/> I wish we could find a better word. But I cannot seem to find it.
Mary Sophia Hawks Moderator & Contributor
Wow Rick! What an awesome way to view terminology and RA. I must admit that I have never considered RA to be part of me. I've always viewed it as attacking me, therefore must be fought tooth and nail against. In my 10th year with RA, I am re-evaluating my life, where I'm going, what I can do, and letting go of things I can no longer do. I can accept that I have the disease, but I'm not sure of allowing it to be part of me. I do however like the idea of a detente with it. You've given me lots of think about. Thanks, Mary Sophia, moderator
marymann Member
Good article. I feel the same. As a cancer patient I also was encouraged to fight it.
mcadwell Member
 I used to be a warrior but it's exhausting work! And Hagatrina Poopenhanger (what I call the RA that lives in me) is sneaky so I couldn't keep up - I'd be fighting one front when Hagatrina would start attacking me on another front. We now have an uneasy truce. I don't get to do what I want or need to do and Hagatrina has stopped pushing me to buy stock in OTC pain relievers. Stupid truce 
1. Lori Foster Community Admin
 I love that you name your RA, <inline-mention username="mcadwell" user-id="3207174"/>, and I especially love the name you've chosen. Thanks for chiming in. Best wishes. - Lori (Team Member)
2. mcadwell Member
 <inline-mention username="Lori Foster" user-id="4585696"/> I had to name it something. And it's a hag. When I say the name at least it makes me smile it's so ridiculous. lol
Alame Member
<inline-mention username="CommunityMember7d8976" user-id="6216136"/> as a 32 yr participant in this horrible club- at 19 i began to hold me back - at 40- it had taken away most everything I had ever work toward & earned- yes a 2006 arthritis foundation marathon I race walked did have me as a Warrior <inline-mention username="Erin Rush" user-id="3164667"/> mile marker 14 & I was embarrassed- the word isn’t the correct term - honestly Idk what is because I have gratitude toward everyone who helped me and is helping me… however this is getting OLD and I am not really that old - I have slept many of the yrs away just from medication- & missed A LOT- it consumes me- and tries to define me- I do not allow it from the outside to strangers. Truthfully after decades and it is now everywhere & tendons w/ options over- I am tired. I want to live- me inside! But this body is a lemon!! Bless all of you!
1. Lori Foster Community Admin
 Wars eventually end, <inline-mention username="Alame" user-id="3113869"/>, but RA can be unrelenting. I really feel for you. Has any medication ever helped? Are there any more options for you? Gentle hugs. - Lori (Team Member)
2. Richard Faust Community Admin
 Hi <inline-mention username="Alame" user-id="3113869"/>. Just want to let you know that you are not alone. My wife, Kelly Mack (a contributor here), was diagnosed at age two, almost 45 years ago - before modern treatments, with the damage to show for it. I don't know if you saw the article I posted above from Kelly on working to not blame her body. I know, easier said than done, but when the disease doesn't define you, you still have the power. Please know that this community is here for you. Best, Richard (RheumatoidArthritis.net Team)
deborahk Member
<inline-mention username="L rick Phillips" user-id="3194573"/> thank you so much for this article! I relate to your perspective on the warrior metaphor. I was diagnosed at age 8, and until I was in my 20s, I felt I was at war with my own body. I felt I was always trying to "beat" the RA and failing. Thanks to studying literature (and becoming fascinated with metaphor and language), I started questioning the warrior metaphor and the tone of violence and conflict it sets. As you point out, how can you go to war with your own body? Hating and resenting my own body for what it is doing is no way to live, and it's counterproductive to my health. I've also realized over the years that as someone who believes deeply in non-violence as a way of life and as the best hope for solving the problems we face in the world, I can't perpetuate the language and imagery of war and conflict in my own body and life. I don't have a definitive replacement metaphor for life with RA, but I think the emphasis in on "with." It's part of us, and we have to live with it as best we can. Now, I try to take at more holistic view, working with my body's needs and rhythms instead of against them, seeking moments of peace and harmony wherever possible. (All that said, no disrespect to all the warriors out there...we all walk our own paths). 
1. Lori Foster Community Admin
 Hi <inline-mention username="deborahk" user-id="3240747"/>. That must have been a difficult metaphor to grow up with. It's hard enough on adults, but hearing that you are at war with your own body at 8 years old must have been depressing and disheartening. I am glad you had that epiphany in your 20s and that you turned things around. Thanks for chiming in here with such wise words. Wishing you the best. - Lori (Team Member)
Jo Johnson Moderator & Contributor
The Win/Loss view can be hard. After about my 3rd biologic I felt terrible that I had failed another treatment. All the hard work to get there - failed treatments, doctor’s pre-authorization team going to bat for me, the incredible expense! I didn’t understand yet how differently people could respond to these high tech drugs. I told my doctor “I feel like a failure.” He told me, “You didn’t fail the drugs. The drugs failed you. We have to keep trying.” Honestly, one of the kindest things a doctor has said to me! Jo (moderator)
David Advent Moderator & Contributor
I really appreciate this perspective, especially in thinking about how “I cannot really defeat RA.” I think that’s an important concept to flesh out and reconsider. David (RheumatoidArthritis.net Contributor/Moderator)
Polarbearbooboo Member
I don’t like war talk either.