An Open Letter to My Rheumatoid Arthritis

Rheumatoid Arthritis
C/O Rick Phillips
1 T-Cell Boulevard
My Body, Indiana

Dear Rheumatoid Arthritis:

Hello RA. How are things going? I hope you are having a lovely time. I mean, someone should be.  I assume you are hanging around with ankylosing spondylitis (AS) and diabetes; let them know they will get separate letters. But I wanted to address you in particular because sometimes we have had an understanding. I sure hope we can reach one another this year.

Here is what has been going on. We have enjoyed temperate weather thus far this winter. I hope you are not following your buddy AS's example and planning on causing trouble in my body.

Do you recall last winter at this time when we drove down to Florida for a fun few days of vacation? That was a great time. Yeah, the beaches were too cold, the National Naval Air Museum was closed and it rained a lot. Yet Sheryl and I had a blast. Sure, I know you came along for the ride; I mean, where don't you hang out? But still, I was glad you took a small backseat.

So here is the thing. I would not usually ask, of course, but could you take a step back again? I mean, just a little step back. A little breathing room is all I am asking. I am sort of in a long stretch of dealing with stuff. I do not know if you heard, but there was a riot in the Capitol and this pandemic stuff (remember we decided not to experience Mardi Gras in Mobile, Alabama, just as news of the potential of the pandemic was being broadcast? Remember we decided to go to the restaurant and then back to the room? Remember that Sheryl and I decided to stay out of the crowd? We did that for you and your crazy cousins AS and diabetes.) Well, that pandemic thing sure has taken off. But it has left me here in Indiana and away from the people and places I want to see.

Here is the thing. Could you take the rest of January, February, and March off? I am not trying to fire you - though if you do go somewhere and like it please, by all means, stay there. I am asking that you give me a break for a couple of months. It is simple really. You take a couple of months off and I will not complain nearly as much when you return.

And here is the best part: When you get back, maybe the hospital will be in a place where I can have that shoulder surgery and finish up my back surgery. Won't that be fun? You get to hang around and make life miserable? What could be better than two surgeries? I know you love that back surgery stuff.

Then there is the pandemic. Wow, someone said we might get everyone vaccinated by August. Think of all the mayhem you will have to look forward to causing in my life when you get back. Do I get the vaccination, when can I receive it, how long after the vaccination will I need to wait until I can receive the biologic infusion that will put you and AS back in your place? Regardless of when I am vaccinated, you will - no doubt - have a few months to roam freely and create havoc.

All of that surgery and hospital stuff must sound thrilling to a troublemaker like you. It will be something to look forward to in a few months, so there is no need to bother me right now.

Now, do not think I am trying to send you away empty-handed. I will give you 45 days of pay so you can relax in Florida, go to Arizona, or stay right here in lovely Indiana. Perfect, right?

Oh, I knew you would agree. So tell me, when you can leave? Please write back and let me know so I can rent your room or clean it out, or whatever I need to do. Then when you get back, we can start with new pills, and you can look forward to a terrific 2021 through your terrorizing me. I know, you have to think that will be fun, right?

Sincerely
 
Rick,
Your patient host.