RA Relationships and the Big Contradiction
When you have a chronic illness like rheumatoid arthritis, especially for many years, there’s a unique contradiction that occurs. Interestingly, the longer you suffer from whatever chronic illness you may have, the more pronounced the contradiction becomes. Interestingly? Eh, actually, tragically.
Like a sore on your foot that keeps getting worse the more you walk on it, this contradiction makes life with RA more and more difficult as times goes on. What is it, you ask? Well, it’s the fact that the longer we suffer from chronic illness, the more we need help, and yet because of our worsening condition, the harder it becomes to maintain the relationships we depend on for that help.
Feeling like a burden
I know, it sounds a bit complicated, like trying to get a dragon to blow out birthday candles, but I’ll break it down very easily. The worse your illness gets, the harder it is to get the help you need. It’s that simple. Well, it’s that simple to say but like an all-octopus knitting club – it’s a little difficult to unravel.
Ironically, the reasons that this happens are some of the most normal, human, everyday feelings and emotions that a person can experience. That’s right – this thing that can make life so difficult for many of us is also a thing that makes us more like every other human being on the planet than almost anything else – the fact that relationships are hard.
Relationships with chronic illness
I know what you’re saying, “duh, Dan, we know that already!” Well, it’s true – friendships, marriages, dating, teammates, family – these aren’t a walk in the park, even in the best of times. Friendships take time, marriages take work, dating takes effort, being a teammate takes practice, and family, well, let’s just say it’s not an “F” word by accident.
Basically, relationships take energy, and as you may or may not know, energy isn’t something that those of us who suffer from RA and chronic illness are replete with, so we already start out behind the 8-ball. As my loyal readers know, I, myself, was married at one point, and it didn’t last. Despite what many friends and relatives tell me, I still think that when I got cancer (caused by the RA) it was just one co-morbidity too many and my now ex-wife peered into her future and saw a life riddled with hospital trips, infirmities, and caretaker… ing? Whatever the cause may have been, though, it was curtains for that chapter of my life and, to be honest, probably marriage in general. I don’t like to say never, but it’s looking less and less likely as time goes on.
Why is it so hard to ask for help?
Now that we’ve established that relationships are hard and even harder for those with RA and other chronic illnesses, let’s talk about another hard thing – asking for help. It’s natural that when we ask for help it’s going to be of those closest to us because, well, they’re the closest to us – both physically and emotionally. The problem is that many of us who suffer with chronic illness either don’t ask for help, or we wait so long to do it that by the time we actually do ask for assistance, the mess has been amplified by several orders of magnitude.
You can imagine how much good that does for a relationship – in fact I think there’s a chart somewhere that shows one’s reluctance to ask for help rises logarithmically with the strife in a relationship. Or some other kind of RA quadratic equation – the point is that asking for help from someone opens a Pandora's box of relationship woes and even if you partner, parent, or cell mate responds by answering the call of duty above and beyond all expectations, it still substantially changes the way you view each other. It’s inevitable and is why so many of us with rheumatoid arthritis and other chronic illnesses find it difficult to maintain connections.
So what is the RA-relationship contradiction?
Well, now that you have the base components of the argument, we can tie it all together. Yes, this is the good part, the piece you’ve all been waiting for. Maybe. I mean it’s not going to be as exciting as the season finale of Breaking Bad or anything, so I don’t want to get your hopes up too high, but it does come together pretty nicely in an old-school carpentry dovetail type fashion. So, here we go.
Fact – as your illness progresses, your symptoms get worse and the damage increases.
Fact – because your illness gets worse it takes more energy to manage and that means less energy to spend on relationships.
Fact – as your illness gets worse, your need to ask for help increases.
Result – as your illness gets worse your need to ask for help and rely on others increases – at exactly the time when you have the least amount of energy to spend on maintaining those very relationships. You know, the ones that you have to rely on for help.
Therein lies that contradiction I told you about earlier. At exactly the time when we need it the most, obtaining that “help” is the most difficult it’s ever been. Heh, that’s rheumatoid arthritis and chronic illness in a nutshell.
How do we solve this dilemma?
So, what do we do? How do we fight against the ever-increasing difficulty of chronic illness and living with those around us? Well, we do what we can, when we can, and the rest of the time just be honest. Be honest and know that the people around you are going to get frustrated and fed up – it’s par for the course. That, and hope you can find someone who can live with that very particular kind of stress. A tall order, I know, but they do exist… or so I’m told. Talk soon.
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