The Long Way Back: My Mental Health Struggles

By Mary Sophia Hawks

2 min read

I have been absent for a while. I am sharing my experience in the hopes that it helps each of us recognize symptoms and needs that MUST be addressed.

Losing joy

I am not sure when it started, but I know when I recognized that something was wrong. I have been a singer my entire life and have trained professionally. It has always been such a source of joy and worship for me. During Christmas Eve Services in 2022, I was startled to realize I needed to remind myself to smile and show joy! No matter how depressed I had been in the past, I had never had this happen.

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Health issues and a loss of motivation

The last year has been spent adding medications, including prednisone, to my regime because my treatment was failing. My middle fingers bilaterally are now crooked due to my RA. I also have had problems with my blood glucose and blood pressure. I had to have a MOHS procedure on my chest due to basal cell carcinoma. I tend toward seasonal affective depressive disorder some years, but I thought I was okay.

All through January, I had no desire to do anything. I struggled to get to work and be functional. I went home each day, put my feet up, and read or played games. I canceled times out with friends. I spoke with a friend at work about overwhelming fatigue and lack of motivation. It reached a crisis point on February 1, 2023. I serve a church as a Faith Community Nurse, and I was irritated by people asking me for help! I looked at everyone as needy and draining my energy. I reached out to my pastor at my home church and went to see her.

Unknowingly suffering from depression

After a very tearful and cathartic hour and a half, my sweet pastor took my hands and prayed with me. Then she recounted my symptoms and said, “You do realize that all of this indicates that you are very depressed.”

DUH!!! I felt like an idiot, but so many times we cannot recognize things in ourselves. I called my psychiatric nurse practitioner and had my supplemental anti-depressant restarted, knowing it would take a month to show effect. I emailed my church choir director and took a sabbatical.

A new beginning

Now there was a very small glimmer of hope. I began reading Kate Bowler’s book, “The Lives We Actually Have.” I reached out to a dear friend and talked with her. I took a day off. I treated myself to dinner out. I continued to pour my heart out to God. It was still dark, but I knew light had to be coming.

Toward the end of February, I took a week off and spent it in my beloved Great Smoky Mountains at my brother’s cabin. On a bridge over a small river, I found my smile. Nature in all its beauty is so restoring. I was able to sing on the mountain, and it brought me joy. As sunshine returns and the days get longer, I am doing better. I am enjoying my calling again and have been able to see others clearly.

Chronic illness and pain have a direct link to depression. My anti-depressant helps me manage pain and the constant drain of my happy neurotransmitters. Sometimes, we need more. Please reach out, get help, come to RheumatoidArthritis.net, and know you are NOT alone.

This article represents the opinions, thoughts, and experiences of the author; none of this content has been paid for by any advertiser. The RheumatoidArthritis.net team does not recommend or endorse any products or treatments discussed herein. Learn more about how we maintain editorial integrity here.

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L rick Phillips Moderator & Contributor
I recall back in 1996 when a therapist told me I was depressed. I was shocked. I left her office amazed that someone wold think I was depressed. Wow, was I ever. It was the literally the first day of the long road to get healthy. I can tell what you describe with your pastor was very similar. May your steps be less, your health be as good or better and your outcome even greater than mine. 
1. Mary Sophia Hawks Moderator & Contributor
 <inline-mention username="L rick Phillips" user-id="3194573"/> , Thank you dear one! Same to you. It's still an ongoing process, but I am making positive changes. Mary Sophia
Lynn Marie Witt, MSOT Moderator & Contributor
<inline-mention username="Mary Sophia Hawks" user-id="3205404"/> please know you are in my prayers. Nature is where I connect the most to God and find much peace. So glad that you were able to enjoy some quality time reconnecting in a place you love. Also, thank you for writing this piece. I have also experienced a time when I was clearly depressed to others, but I had no idea and would not have said I was. Very glad you have your pastor in your life. She sounds like an amazing, sweet and compassionate person. Vulnerability is difficult. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing how RA and living with a chronic condition, can effect daily living. I usually say "Just Keep Swimming". However, for you Mary Sophia, "Just Keep Singing", Lynn Marie, "RheumatoidArthritis.net Team Member" 
1. Mary Sophia Hawks Moderator & Contributor
 <inline-mention username="Lynn Marie Witt" user-id="3244142"/> , Thank you! I truly appreciate your prayers. I share because I know we all are affected by this during our journey. This is where I can talk about it. I am still on the journey back, but joy outnumbers depression most days. Mary Sophia
Jo Johnson Moderator & Contributor
<inline-mention username="Mary Sophia Hawks" user-id="3205404"/> Thank you for you beautiful story. I hope it helped you to write it and I know it will help many who read it. The more we can understand depression as an illness with treatment available, the better the world will be. And more of us will be able to see the beauty in it. I Hope for continued healing for you, Jo (Moderator)
1. Mary Sophia Hawks Moderator & Contributor
 <inline-mention username="Jo Johnson" user-id="3158858"/> , Thank you! It did help to write it, and I hope it helps others to recognize things in themselves. When we are in the midst of struggles, we do not see clearly. Mary Sophia