To-Do vs. To-Feel
"Replace all of your lists of things to do with lists of how you want to feel." --Maryam Hasnaa
I came across this quote by Maryam Hasnaa on Instagram some months ago but just found it again somehow. I like it because I'm a notoriously unsuccessful "To-Do" list-maker; I make lists all the time but often end up feeling overwhelmed and then guilty about them. Guilty? Yes, guilty. My lack of being able to follow through and complete my numerous "To-Do" lists leaves me feeling disappointed in myself and guilty for not doing better or getting more done.
My "productivity" is never enough, and I invariably feel frustrated and upset with myself for not getting more done. I try hard to not beat myself up about this, realizing that it's incredibly difficult to be "productive" while living with RA, yet I often do. I really like Maryam's quote because it makes me stop and think that maybe those "To-Do" lists aren't that important after all. Maybe I should be focusing more on how I'm feeling and living, rather than what I'm "supposed" to be doing. Putting pressure on myself to conform to the expectations of healthy, able-bodied people in society doesn't make sense. Nor does the stress of it help my own health.
So! Thanks to Maryam's advice, I've come up with a new "To-Feel" list. How do I want to feel right now? Is what I'm doing in my life right now supporting this new list? Probably not, but I think just writing down these goals is a good first step in making some changes.
Angela's To-Feel List
These aren't listed in any particular order, except that I did want to place "healthy" at the top of the list. What's that quote that everyone knows (I have no idea who came up with it)? If you don't have your health you don't have anything. We all know how important it is to be healthy, and what a devastating effect bad health can have on one's life. My own 21 years of "bad health" have gotten in the way of so many things: unrealized dreams, unfulfilled goals, financial security, emotional stability, relationships, a sense of security, and many joys--to name a few. I want so desperately to feel healthy and be healthy.
Hope, of course, is also important. Without hope, what kind of life are you living, for yourself and for others you care for and love? I lose hope time and time again, but it's important for me to get it back however I can and to hold onto it as hard as I can. Feeling "hope in the dark," as one of my favorite writers Rebecca Solnit says, is crucial to moving forward in life and not losing yourself to this wretched disease.
Feeling and being grateful is another important one on the list (well, they're all important of course). And it's also very difficult (for me) to practice--especially when my RA is flaring or any additional health problems pop up. I really want to feel grateful though. For everything. I think being accepting and kind to yourself plays a big part in cultivating thankfulness. Too often I focus on the bad and what's wrong, what isn't working, what's disappointing, and what I don't have. But if I stop and really think about all of the good things in my life, I see that there are plenty of them. Remembering to be thankful is a major goal of mine.
I won't go through explaining the rest of the words and feelings on my list, but they are all important and work together in helping me live the life I want to live. When I feel upset about not getting the laundry done, not applying for a job on time (or doing anything on time), feeling too tired to go on a bike ride, and a host of other things on my always-growing "To-Do" list, I will look at my "To-Feel" list instead, and tell myself that I'm doing the best I can.
Did you have difficulty receiving a RA diagnosis?