I made it to work today!

Which in itself is a major accomplishment. I can't stand work...well not the actual job and the actual work but, the co-workers. I dislike them, I loathe them, I can't stand being with them for 8 hours a day. It didn't start out like that. At first I enjoyed coming here. They were fun and laughed and worked as a team. But, somewhere along the way they decided I was inferior to them. How they came to that determination I blame on the RA.

My coworkers don't understand my RA

I work in the Social Services field. You would think that people who work in this field would be full of compassion and empathy. You would be least where I work. I've been here 13 years. I can count on one hand the number of times I have called in sick. I come to work sit at my desk and do my job. That's what I'm paid for isn't it? RA has made it difficult.

I can't stand their remarks

I come in the morning fire up the computer and plop my butt in my chair to being my work day. There's the first problem. Sitting. We all know that's the worse thing you can do for RA but, it's what I do for 8 hours a day. When I stand up my body screams at me. "Sit down you fool what are you doing?" I limp up and down the halls and drag myself out to the main lobby to see clients. I don't complain and frankly who really wants to listen. But, this is where it starts to get dicey with the co-workers. If I'm in their way, or I'm not walking fast enough for them they plow around me and mutter under their breath about me being slow. Of course I'm slow my body is slowly freezing up. The annoyance and distain is evident in their rush to get to the lobby first. Like it matters if they are ten seconds ahead of me. They mistake my slowness, thinking it's because I don't like my job. I love my job. I love helping people and solving problems for people. I hear the remarks, the comments, the whispers and the outright distain. "If you don't like it here so much why don't you leave", or " I've got clients to see get out of the way." and my all time favorite "Gawd, you're so slow." I grit my teeth and smile and step out of their way.

I look around the office and see all sorts of posters and signs with positive affirmations. "Be the change you want to see in the world". "There's no 'I' in team", "There's no crying in baseball", " In a world where you can be anything. Be kind", "Everyone's fighting their own battle". I wonder if they ever read them. Or if they have become so use to them that they don't see them anymore. Like the white walls in the office. They are there and they are important but, do you every really think about them. What would happen if they weren't there?

They have no patience with my brain fog Then the brain fog sets in and I am not able to remember things. Face it, I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed and I have to write everything done. The brain fog is terrible. I write words wrong and forget words in sentences and how to spell. Not elaborate words. Simple words like than and there and here and now. I drop letters from words. Yesterday, I couldn't remember how to spell the word eligible. As I sat there trying to remember and feeling incompetent a co-worker came in and fired off questions at me. She sounded like a machine gun....ratttt..a..tatttttt over and over. My mind was still trying to work out the eligible puzzle. Her distain was clearly written on her face and the huffing and stomping around was a dead give away that once again RA had gotten in the way of my job. I don't do this on purpose. It's not like I say "Hey today I'll see how many co-workers I can annoy." It happens. I wish it didn't. I wish I could walk normal and sit at my desk and be able to pop up like a pop tart from a toaster but, I can't. I can't and maybe I don't want to anymore. I've accepted the fact that RA is slowly taking over and it's a daily fight. I'm not defeated just accepting. I know what's coming. Frankly, I'm okay with it. I feel empathy for my co-workers and wish they could see the world through my joints but, it probably won't happen and I wouldn't want it to happen to them. And this is why my co-workers treat me as if I am incompetent. People will say they understand but, in the long run they don't. They don't see the tears and the frustration and the hurt their thoughtless words and action cause. They don't see that it's a struggle to live and breathe and be and they don't see the depression that creeps in coloring the world around you. Luckily, my family treats me better I'm lucky though. I have a fantastic support system at home. A boyfriend who loves me, family members who suffer from RA and friends who help me when things get too much. They say misery loves company. I'm not so sure about that. I think misery is lonely and the only thing it wants is to be held and caressed and told it will be better. The only thing I want is to be treated kindly and once in a while throw me a bone of compassion.

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