Diagnosis for life

Two years ago I was diagnosed with RA, when my first baby was born. At first I thought I was just stressed out from the hardships of having a new baby, but when my stiff neck and the pain in my shoulders, arms, legs, feet,… wouldn’t disappear I had myself tested and there was no way around it.

My life changed, but somehow I just convinced myself that it was all temporary. I had to plan my family as quickly as I could so I could start the methotrexate. So I did.
And now I started on “getting cured”. But not really. Somehow I just imagined it being like antibiotics, you take the cure and then it’s done. It won’t come back. I don’t know why I thought that, I guess I was just too hopeful when listening to the doctor. My specialist also made it seem like I would just take those pills and everything would be alright again. I kept saying to everyone that I’m lucky, there’s a cure, and soon I’ll be able to take it and be myself again.

And I do feel a lot better already, even after two months. But I’m also starting to realize that this isn’t a bad case of the flu. This is a crippling disease which maybe I can get more or less under control but which will never ever go away. And those little pills I will have to take for the rest of my life, even if they are bad for other parts of my body, or cause moodswings and depression. After two years, I’m finally processing all this information. And I still have the rest of my life to come to terms with it.

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