Self pity

By amypollock82

1 min read

I want to start off by saying, logically I’m aware that I shouldn’t feel that way... (but I can almost guarantee I’m not the only one)...

Experiencing self-pity with RA

But does it matter, I have to admit to myself that when it gets worse I will have the worst self pity and self hatred, guilt, and anger. I feel too young, I have too much I want to do in life and lately more the goes wrong the weight of the world is on my shoulders.

The self pity comes to me in the lack of ability. I hate that I need help from any source. I want to walk around the block, be with my husband and go do the things I used to be able to do. I can’t so as much and I feel the guilt that someone has to do it. I want to be a wife and mother with less restrictions.

I feel the despair of my life going this way forever and having no idea what to do about it.
I feel the fear of thinking would my family better off without me.
I feel the pain and hope there’s an end date.
I feel the change that life will forever be different.
I feel the annoyance of having to change life all over again.
I feel the exhaustion of trying to fight so hard.
I feel like “transition” is not my favorite right now.

I'm trying to change

Self hatred that I’ve become an “extra” in other's lives. The feeling of wanting to leave the house less and less so there is no “extra” that day for anyone.. knowing something bothers your spouse and the inability to change no matter how hard you try. Because I am trying if nothing else I am doing that. I swear!!!!

It still doesn’t change all of the above. Unfortunately!

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L rick Phillips Moderator & Contributor
I know you are trying. Unfortunately it seems like such a large hill to overcome. I cannot imagine the challenges with small children. my sons were teens when I was diagnosed. It was awful. I hope you feel better sooner than later and know you have support here. Reach out when you need us. We will be here.
christine.laaksonen Community Admin
Thank you for sharing this, <inline-mention user-id="3209561" username="amypollock82"/> . I want to let you know that you are not alone here, and have support here. We understand that you are trying, and that trying can look different every single day. It is so frustrating to struggle with the changes that life with RA can bring. We appreciate you reaching out here. I wanted to share a few articles with you. One is about grieving, as grieving is a normal part of having a chronic disease. <a href='https://rheumatoidarthritis.net/living/grieving-part-living-chronic-disease-like-ra' target='_blank'>https://rheumatoidarthritis.net/living/grieving-part-living-chronic-disease-like-ra/</a> The other is about acceptance not meaning submission, but rather taking control. <a href='https://rheumatoidarthritis.net/living/acceptance-is-not-submission' target='_blank'>https://rheumatoidarthritis.net/living/acceptance-is-not-submission/</a> Also, your feelings are completely valid. My therapist tells me not to "should" on myself. (Basically that adding guilt onto my feelings isn't necessary -- which of course is easier said than done.) You are not the only one. We see you and hear you and are HERE. Sending you a gentle hug. -- Christine (RheumatoidArthritis.net Team Member)
denvermom Member
I know how much you are trying!! And sometimes it feels as if there is not one ounce remaining-even to breathe. You aren’t alone, you captured exactly how I feel with every flare. But I find the negative feelings lift with each abating flare. I sometimes fantasize about giving up. Having young children puts another level of stress on you. I was diagnosed when my son was 3 and as a single mom with no family in the state I’ve had to dig deep, deeper than I thought possible. For my accomplishments I’m proud of myself. This disease took my ability to be the mother I used to be, the mother I want to be, the mother my son deserves. But now, 3 years later, I see that my disease has helped teach my son to be the most caring, kind, understanding, empathetic, helpful, strong boy he can be. The world will be a little better with him in it. Am I still devastated the world travel I always wanted to do with him will probably never happen? Yes. But we all have to at least try to focus on the good times snuggled in bed with my son watching movies (something we do a lot on those bad days!). We all hear you and we know how you are feeling. You aren’t alone!! Thanks for sharing, sometimes I feel so alone as a mom of a young child with this disease-I’m sending gentle hugs your way.
Lynn Marie Witt, MSOT Moderator & Contributor
<inline-mention username="amypollock82" user-id="3209561"/> Thank you so much for reaching out and being vulnerable. Not super easy to do. You wrote about a topic that often is just overlooked. I've been in the land of self-pity, and there are moments and days I return there. The important thing is that no matter what you are going through Amy, you realize "you are loved". I find, that how I perceive myself is not necessarily how someone else perceives me. Times when I feel like I am a burden to someone, that person I feel like I am burdening, usually does not look at my requesting help or whatever it is as a burden. Just know you are definitely not alone in these feelings. Thanks for sharing and being so real. We are here to support you on your journey anytime. Please continue to reach out. Just Keep Swimming...Lynn Marie, "RheumatoidArthritis.net Team Member"