End date

By amypollock82

3 min read

Editorial note: Trigger warning - This story discusses physician-assisted suicide and suicidal ideation.

This is a tale of reality and honesty
There is a vast difference between having suicidal thoughts and just suicidal thinking or idealization.

My plan

I’ve set up a plan that if I can’t get any relief by the time I’m 55yrs old. I’m going to have a doctor assisted suicide. It’s extremely controversial and I’m ok with that. I have lived with this decision for along time and understand fully what I’m expecting my family to go through. I’ll get to say goodbye.

I just feel like when do I get to decide that I’ve have suffered enough and I’ve have gone through as much torture as I’m willing to live through. Why can’t I decide my own fate?.
I’m sick of doctors and never ending health problems deciding for me.

I will however, do anything and everything including having morphine go straight to my brain, knowing every horrible side effect and how dangerous it can be until I’m 55.
I know it’s my last chance to be able to play with my kids and maybe take my grandchildren to the park.
It seems so simple when I see it written out but it’s never that easy. It’s actually impossible. (I play a million board games)
I don’t just have one thing wrong I have so many things wrong that it keeps me from my simplest of dreams.

I’ve made promises though and I won’t ever break a promise, so I’m going to fight and I mean really fight hard for my future for walks a round the block, picking up your children when they cry, play house or go on a date with my husband again without having to decide how that day is going to go when I wake up. God forbid I say work or even volunteer.
I want so badly to be a woman again and not another couch deco or you know when you get a comforter set and get those small pillows you don’t really know what to do with? That sounds more accurate. LOL

I am a work in progress

When everything you were 4 years ago is just gone. It seems like it was over night but I know it was slow and out of my hands. I’ve been very independent my whole life, a black sheep in my family for sure.. I still have to get right with the fact that my life will never be the same and as bad as it is to fight reality
I do for that sassy, busy woman I once was. I’m a constant work in progress.

Fall is my absolute favorite. I love the fall like really love it.I have fantasy football that brings my husband and my oldest son together and actually have conversations about anything other than my health and the never ending things that break.
I just feel like I need an end date to this true torture...
I believe people should be able to decide how much pain they are willing to endure, how much dignity you’re willing to lose for themselves.
I should be able to decide just one thing in life.

I have an end date of how much I’m willing to go through but if I find something that will work I will never go through with it. I just need to know there is an end.

It helps me to live and love so differently in life. It makes me value days even if I can only feel that value for a short period of time each day. Which is usually between 6am to 8am some days before the pain floods my brain. I described that when you have to endure that much pain, each minute is excruciating
I go into a disassociation and my brain just changes me. I’m sure that’s a coping mechanism but I think of it as survival.

One day at a time

I take life one minute, one hour, one day at a time.
I’m not a pessimist I’m a realist.
Nobody I’ve ever met believes in “luck” until they spend time with me and they will for sure become a believer. It’s like life is really, really testing me and I can’t get out of it. I just have to watch my metaphorical house burn to the ground and Then start all over again. I’ve started over again every 6mo to year for my 37 years. It’s utterly exhausting but life leaves me no choice.
There is literally something that without fail will come up.
I hope y’all understand my placement in this world. I don’t want to die I just dream, pray to anyone who will hear me to just end it all.

There’s a big difference between wanting to die and wanting to end the pain.

This article represents the opinions, thoughts, and experiences of the author; none of this content has been paid for by any advertiser. The RheumatoidArthritis.net team does not recommend or endorse any products or treatments discussed herein. Learn more about how we maintain editorial integrity here.

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Alesandra Bevilacqua Community Admin
Hi Amy, My heart goes out to you – I can’t even fathom what that’s been like for you to manage this awful condition. I’m truly so sorry to hear that you’re struggling because of this disease. It’s brutal, debilitating, and exhausting. RA takes a toll on one’s physical AND mental health – it isn’t fair. If you'd like to, I encourage you to reach out for support from counselors & medical professionals if you'd find it helpful. You also can find resources here if you ever need them: <a href='https://rheumatoidarthritis.net/mental-health/coping-general-resources' target='_blank'>https://rheumatoidarthritis.net/mental-health/coping-general-resources/</a>. You’re not alone in this battle – hang in there. Thinking of you, Alesandra (RheumatoidArthritis.net Team)
qejm0g Member
Amy -I can positively say that I have felt similar to the way you are feeling. I too mourn the past me-active, fun loving, adventurous, someone with a sense of humor, someone who enjoyed intimacy with my partner. When I'm in pain despite medication to control it, when I'm so fatigued that it feels like I'm wearing one of those 15lb weighted blankets 24/7, I can't see my way to enjoy anything. I saw my rheumatologist the other day, she's usually helpful to lift my spirits, encouraging me to keep plugging along. This visit didn't do that. I will just continue one day at a time, one step at a time. I will see my primary care provider-maybe its a brain thing that I need (more) medication to help overcome it. Maybe it will lift on its own. I'm educating myself on chronic pain and the brain as I feel a link and the research shows there is. Please keep reaching out to the community-knowing that you are not alone in your feelings can be helpful too. Love to you-Denise
christine.laaksonen Community Admin
Oh Amy, we really appreciate you reaching out here and sharing your thoughts, experiences, and feelings. I know that RA can feel very lonely and isolating, and we very much want you to know that you are not alone. The pain of RA is such a challenge, and chronic pain can feel never-ending. I truly hope that one of the treatments you try helps relieve your symptoms. In the meantime, I hope that you can feel comfortable reaching out for in-person support too. Counselors, psychologists, support groups can provide much needed help for the mental health aspect of RA. We, of course, are here for you as well, and value that you are a part of our community. Gentle hugs to you. -- Christine (RheumatoidArthritis.net Team Member)
1. amypollock82 Member
 Thank you! I hope that my post showed both of my sides. I also have the will to fight and purpose in my life. I am seeing a couple counselors and also a psychiatrist so I definitely have that aspect. They all get it and respect me for me. I have dark days but I also have good days that I can see everything in front of me instead of constant wallowing. I shared what I dobecause it’s been years of build up and sharing my dark thoughts helps to give me perspective.
2. christine.laaksonen Community Admin
 I am so glad to hear all of this <inline-mention user-id="3209561" username="amypollock82"/> . Having counselors and doctors who understand and respect what you need are such a good support to have in place. We are always glad to have people share here, like you mentioned, both sides -- the light and the dark, wherever you are at. And being able to write out thoughts can be so helpful (I definitely find writing things out help give me perspective as well). As always, thank you for sharing with us here. We really value you and your perspective and I know there are many other RA warriors who appreciate hearing perspectives from people who really understand. -- Best, Christine (RheumatoidArthritis.net Team Member)
Rebecca Braglio Community Admin
You have a wonderful way of with words, and when I read your last sentence it definitely hit home with me (I don't have RA, but have chronic pain condition). In my experience, I've found many people take these expressions quite literally when I'm using them as a way to express the urgency/deepness, if that makes sense?