Fear is My Enemy

By Kmfc

2 min read

Living with autoimmune issues

I’ve posted before about my multiple autoimmune issues and how life-changing they can be. I’m not sure that I’ve ever said out loud that I live in a constant state of fear. It’s hard to admit that because I see it as a negative and unhealthy mindset. I try to let it go and let God, but I still have this negative loop playing over and over in my head.

Fear of the future

A big part of my fear is that I’m going to die too young or be so crippled that life isn’t worth living. I’m not suicidal in any way; it’s just something that pops into my brain whenever my body is in chaos and pain. I truly am blessed with a great rheumatologist and PCP, but someone I love very much thinks big pharma and most doctors practicing Western medicine are pushing drugs and keeping me sick and dependent on them.

This or That

Do you worry about your future with RA?

This loved one is a functional medicine doctor who believes that stem cells will cure my rheumatoid arthritis (RA) and that hundreds of dollars worth of supplements will change my “leaky gut,” which he claims is the cause of all my problems. My fear is: what if he’s right? Am I managing my own medical issues by just masking the symptoms rather than finding the root cause of why I have RA, Sjögren's syndrome, fibromyalgia, osteoporosis, and osteoarthritis?

Financial struggles

I also fear the cost of these alternative drugs and therapies he recommends. I have insurance that pays for my regular prescriptions, but I would need to pay out of pocket for things like unproven stem cell therapy and supplements. I don’t work any longer because of my many medical issues and am living paycheck to paycheck.

Conflicting dietary advice

What if eating a carnivore diet is the right choice according to the functional medicine doctor, but my rheumatologist says the Mediterranean diet is better for me? All these unknowns have me crippled by fear, which certainly makes my life a lot less enjoyable while I’m worrying.

Does anyone else feel this type of “what if” fear?

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latoya.juniel Community Admin
<inline-mention username="Kmfc" user-id="3179104"/> This speaks to me so much. There was a time when fear ruled my life. I was in complete captivity by it. The fear, worry, doubt, and stories I made up in my head about what could happen, only made life not worth living at all sometimes. But then you start to realize that each new day your eyes are able to see, each day brings you closer to discovering your purpose, even in the midst of what looks like a bad situation. Never lose sight of hope and just know that there is purpose in everything. Mindset is everything. And whenever you start to spiral into negative thoughts and doubt, start to speak life and positivity into yourself. Our minds believe whatever we tell it. You will most certainly be in my thoughts and I can't wait to read another one of your stories about how you've overcome! I'm claiming it for you! Gentle hugs, Latoya (Team Member)
yajtrt Member
<inline-mention username="Kmfc" user-id="3179104"/> Hi Kmfc, I feel exactly as you do. I try very hard to be positive and give up what I can't control to God. The problem is that I pick that anxiety right back up when there is a trigger. Like my husband and his side of the family who do not experience much pain and do not understand why I do. It took 5 rheumatologists to get my diagnosis and the fourth just told me to go to a pain doctor as nothing was wrong with me. I have been unbelieved and mistreated by healthcare workers with regards to my pain and my needed rheumy medications. No one understands the spoon theory and certainly do not understand when I run out of them. Pondering about all of the above as I am about to undergo my first joint replacement, my left knee...I realize I have PTSD from all I have been through since childhood. I was the fat kid, the kid who could not do a pull-up, who was one of the last picked for games, the bookworm, the only child almost more comfortable in the company of the adults. I had friends and was reasonably happy. I did not realize till recently just how much all of these things have affected who I am. And that makes me both hurt and angry, at myself, and at others, for lost opportunities, confidence, and for letting people mistreat me. I know I must live in the moment, forgive others and myself, be happy where I am, and do my best to be good to myself and others. It's hard, but God is good and I know it will be OKAY. If anyone has any tips for knee replacements, devices, and getting around afterwards, or how to pass the time, please feel free to share. 
1. christine.laaksonen Community Admin
 Hello, <inline-mention username="yajtrt" user-id="3248024"/>. We hear you on the challenges and difficulties of that anxiety getting picked right back up after being triggered. You certainly have been through a lot throughout your life, and those things, even in child, can have a lasting impact on us as adults. Please know that our community is here for you! Also, as you mention having an upcoming knee replacement, I wanted to share this article from one of our advocates with some of her tips for preparing for a knee replacement surgery, <a href='https://rheumatoidarthritis.net/living/preparing-knee-surgery' target='_blank'>https://rheumatoidarthritis.net/living/preparing-knee-surgery</a>. You. might also be interested in this discussion thread where someone asked about knee surgery, <a href='https://rheumatoidarthritis.net/forums/knee-replacement-recovery' target='_blank'>https://rheumatoidarthritis.net/forums/knee-replacement-recovery</a> (be sure to check out the responses/replies as well). Hopefully some of our community members with firsthand experience can also share any of their tips with you. Sending you gentle hugs. -- Warmly, Christine (Team Member)