Scary Reality

By introvert

2 min read

I grabbed my cane and went out shopping to the fresh produce stand for the first time since the pandemic.

I really needed to find out if I could do this on my own. (I have Whole Foods deliver to my house).

I barely made it back to my car after several times of almost falling. (I have several spinal issues along with the RD).

Losing independence with RA

Driving home I had this overwhelming feeling of fear and helplessness. I realized that I cannot function independently anymore, and that's not going to change.

I live alone. I am an only child of parents who were also only children, so no living family.

Michael died 9 years ago and I have no children (had cancer 2x now). I have no local support system; everyone has either moved away to be near family or has passed on.

I am, as my 'name' indicates, an introvert, so this has never been an issue for me before. I've always been fiercely independent and don't quite know how to adjust to this "new normal."

I'm not talking about getting things done. I hire people for yard work, house cleaning, etc, so no problem there.

It took a while, but over the years I've come to terms with having to give up my art studio, my guitar and piano playing (hands don't work anymore), and my daily walks in the local parks.

But I don't seem to be able to cope with this most recent loss. Or the fear that comes with driving (accident? car dies?) when I can no longer walk or stand for long.

The mental side of RA

Right now I'm overwhelmed with deep sadness and hopelessness.

I do have some great friends around the country, but I know they are tired of my complaining and don't really understand anyway. They just worry and offer impractical suggestions (bless their hearts).

I guess I just needed to write this out as a way to acknowledge how I'm feeling and what my fears are. No more dancing around the issue in my head; no more denial.

Someone who thrived on doing things on my own can no longer do things alone. Not how I'd hoped to be at 70.

This article represents the opinions, thoughts, and experiences of the author; none of this content has been paid for by any advertiser. The RheumatoidArthritis.net team does not recommend or endorse any products or treatments discussed herein. Learn more about how we maintain editorial integrity here.

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RHall Community Admin
<inline-mention username="introvert" user-id="3137804"/> It's really hard what you're going through right now. I am an only child as well and understand what you mean about taking pride in being independent. I know this what not what you had in mind at this stage in life. It's hard to adjust from being self-sufficient to relying more on others for certain things to navigate through life. I think that it can sometimes sound corny, but I hope that you don't punish yourself for having an increased reliance on others. We all need someone. And it sounds like you have been able to mostly do what you needed to on your own for many years. But there isn't any shame in needed others - which I'm sure you know but I just wanted to reiterate. What really breaks my heart is the sense of hopelessness you feel. You are showing a lot of courage to admit your fears and address them head-on. I am just curious, but how do you feel about living in a senior community? I know the quality can vary, but it might be nice to have a sense of community of people in a similar age range now that your needs are different. I also understand if that option is not appealing. I don't know you personally, but I want to let you know that you can reach out ANYTIME - send a private message, whatever you need. Please don't give up. I absolutely understand that is SO easy for me to say. But you have come too far and conquered too many obstacles to give up. Thank you for sharing your story with us. 💜 - Reggie (RheumatoidArthritis.net Team Member)
introvert Member
 Reggie, Thank you for the reply, concerns and suggestions. I wouldn't survive in any kind of community. For this introvert people are like Godiva chocolates. Delightful in small doses and at special times, but 'hell no' as a steady diet. I've had time since I wrote the above to do an attitude check. Can't change the physical reality but I can adjust my outlook. I survived the pandemic quite well; made adjustments and worked out ways to get my needs met. So I just go on with my pandemic lifestyle, which enables me to live independently and keep my privacy! And to remember how lucky I am that I am someone who thrives on extended alone time. 😉
Mary Sophia Hawks Moderator & Contributor
introvert, You get a gold star for sharing!! I'm glad you found our website for support. You might want to check with your local Office on Aging. They provide a wealth of services that could help without being totally intrusive. You can pick and choose what you need, and you can say no at any time. Please know you are loved and appreciated here. Mary Sophia, author/moderator
introvert Member
 Sophia, Thanks for the information and the support. I appreciate you taking the time to connect with me.
Daniel Malito Moderator & Contributor
<inline-mention username="introvert" user-id="3137804"/> You are soooooooooo not alone with these thoughts. I am in a similar position, although not a parent, but still pretty much alone. It weighs on you for sure, and all the "what ifs" start to add up until you are paralyzed and have to force yourself to move forward despite it. Well, at least now, though, you have a few of us here who will be there if you ever need to vent, chat, or just be with people who get exactly what you are going through. Keep on keepin' on, DPM
introvert Member
 Daniel, Thank you for your kind and supportive words. Introvert
jbarnett Member
Dear Introvert, As I read your article, I thought of how you were exactly describing me and my life. I’m an only child, no children, my husband of 28 years walked out on me 3 years ago, and I have an aging mother. I live alone for the first time in my life and deal with RA and other health conditions. It’s VERY difficult physically and mentally. The future is uncertain and that is the hardest part. I completely understand the friends part, because if you don’t live it or live with someone who has a chronic illness, then you really don’t get it. No one understands just how debilitating RA is until you see it first hand. And, even though I’m an introvert at heart, I feel it would be easier to find someone else who has a disability to live with; that way you both understand all the hinderances and constraints that it puts on every day life. It is a real fear, and I applaud you for being strong enough to bring it to the forefront. If you ever want to talk, I’m available. Stay strong, we are with you.
1. introvert Member
 <inline-mention username="jbarnett" user-id="3211196"/> Hi jbarnett, It's encouraging to hear from someone else who is having similar experiences. I hope you find that roomie! Thanks for the support. 
2. RHall Community Admin
 <inline-mention username="introvert" user-id="3137804"/> Thanks for your supportive messages! It means a lot and is what makes this community great - empathetic people who "get it." 💜 - Reggie (RheumatoidArthritis.net Team Member)
disney1962 Member
I feel for you...I'm 59, office worker and folks look at my elbow braces, finger sleeves and cane. I do my job and pay for it..aches, flares, can't bend fingers they don't understand. Im now just putting my house on the market. Can no longer do things around the house. Also expense to hire out help.. moving to a 1/1.5 apt. I also have good friends around the country, Im sure they are tired and don't understand my RA issues, compare to OA..sigh...My friends down to three(3) offer suggestions, or text. Wishing you a good day and better tomorrow. 
1. introvert Member
 <inline-mention username="disney1962" user-id="3158641"/> Disney (great name!) I understand your struggle and know how difficult the decision to move must have been. I toy with that idea at least a few times a month. I'm waiting right now for my 'hired help' to show. Each month my list of things I need help with grows. Maybe there will be a sense of some freedom with this move. Let me know how it goes?
KMRT Member
My RA got to the point where I sold my lakefront house and moved into a brand new apartment complex, well maintained, one level, lots of privacy, and nice neighbors. I still have lots of good days but did not want to wait until my RA progressed to a point where it would be difficult to pack. I miss the sound of the loons but don't regret my decision.
1. Lori Foster Community Admin
 What a wise and forward thinking decision, <inline-mention username="KMRT" user-id="4713083"/>. I hope you are enjoying your new home. Best wishes. - Lori (Team Member) 
2. Richard Faust Community Admin
 Hi <inline-mention username="KMRT" user-id="4713083"/>. My wife, Kelly Mack (a contributor here), uses a motorized wheelchair, so we moved into a first floor condo five years ago. I put ramps out back screen door to the patio. It is great to have a more accessible place with fewer worries. We like to watch house hunting and design shows HGTV and we never cease to be amazed at how little accessibility is taken into account. Glad you enjoy the new place. Best, Richard (RheumatoidArthritis.net Team)
introvert Member
Glad you found your solution. Sounds like you're on top of it, and good for you.
frostyart Member
Dear Introvert, thank you for sharing your struggles! I am at the same point in my life. I’m 77, my husband died 4 months ago, I fell 6 weeks ago (6th fall in two weeks) and ended up in the hospital and then in rehab for 10 days. My walking is very shaky even with a walker or cane. Several people suggested strongly that I sell my house and move into assisted living somewhere, but I refuse to consider that for at least a year. And I have cats and a dog , all of whom are my family! My daughter and son in law live 2 hours away and can’t get here often. I am very fortunate that I have wonderful neighbors who look after me and help me and (feed me often), and that church members have all offered to help in whatever I need, but being independent I really don’t ask them for help when I’m home ( they know I have limited physical abilities when I’m at church and in social situations.) I know you don’t want to be around a lot of people but I think in an assisted living situation you would not HAVE TO be around lots of folks and could choose to socialize when you wanted to, yet you would have the help you needed when you needed it. You might even make some good friends who would understand and help but also leave you to your much- needed solitude. I hope you will find a solution that works for you and supports you both physically and emotionally/mentally. I will be praying for you.
1. introvert Member
 <inline-mention username="frostyart" user-id="3178037"/> Thanks for the concern and feedback. I'm doing fine in my house. I now have (hired) help that comes weekly and that's made a big difference. 
2. Lori Foster Community Admin
 I am so very sorry for the loss of your husband, <inline-mention username="frostyart" user-id="3178037"/>. It must be difficult to be without him right now. You offered some wonderful advice. I hope you are able to remain independent for a few more years. Wishing you the best. - Lori (Team Member)
betyboopsie Member
I hope you're doing OK. In a similar boat. Please give an update.
introvert Member
 Hi betyboopsie, Well, I'm still living in my house. I've been fortunate to find 2 people who come for a few hours every Fri (they alternate) to do what I cannot do anymore. Took a while to come to terms with my every expanding limits and give myself permission to hire the help. Oh but life is sooo much easier once I quit trying to do what I can't and accepted that. I've given up driving more than a few blocks; both my doctor's office and the vets are only a block away, bank is another block in the other direction. I feel so lucky that almost all my need are met through delivery. One of my helpers picks up my library books. So for the most part this introvert is content in her blissful, people-less environment. Just had to let go of some preconceived ideas about how life should play out. What's that quote: 'Make plans and then watch God laugh'. 😉 I hope this helps in some way. Stay safe. 
1. Lori Foster Community Admin
 How awesome that you were able to adjust, <inline-mention username="introvert" user-id="3137804"/>, and in doing so, improve your quality of life. It is hard to give up those pieces of independence, I am sure, but there are gains as well. Thanks for the update. Wishing you the very best. - Lori (Team Member)