Laugh or Cry…

Hi. I’m back again! I posted only a few days ago, but I’ve just had a mental breakthrough…or breakdown. I was driving to work yesterday and I started thinking about all the stories I’ve read about the joint replacement surgeries people with RA have had. I’ve been thinking about them for a while now and trying to (futilely) predict how many more years I have left before I’m going to need the same thing done. I have a business event coming up that I have to catch a plane to and I’ve been debating whether to go or not because walking from check-in all the way down to my terminal is just not appealing to my ankles right now. They are protesting. Loudly.
Anyway, I was thinking about that walk, and how I always seem to be that random person that’s pulled aside for a swab test to check for bombs in my handbag (seriously, am I that much of a shifty person to look at?) when I imagined going through the metal detectors after joint replacement surgery. Just imagining the beeping frenzy made me laugh all the rest of the way to work. I even called my mum and told her (not altogether coherently) how one day I was going to strut proudly in nothing but a bikini through the detectors to set them off and confuse the hell out of the guards when they tried to figure out where my metal stash was.
It was the happiest moment I’ve had in a long time – and then mum had to go and point out that what the good doctors replace my degrading joints with doesn’t beep in detectors. Thanks mum.
Still, as long as I look on the bright side – like being the next Bionic/Titanium Woman! – I can function.
I can smile, I can laugh, I can joke with my colleagues – who are awesomely supportive – and hold on to the idea that I’m going to be Ok. Whether or not that idea is delusional is still to be determined.
I have my moments when I’m home and alone that I cry for a bit, or that I freak out, when I think about my uncertain future because I’m 24 and already this screwed up – I think a lot of people can relate to that – but as long as I can keep making fun of my RA with those closest to me I’ll keep going.
Because, as my breakthrough has just revealed, if I don’t laugh about it I’ll cry.
And I am so over crying.

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