Lucky me!

Laying in the hospital the other night, I wrote this. I wrote it because I was frustrated because several times I hear from people there going to be there for me yet I call upon them to help me and they're not there or they push me away or something and it's really becoming a problem. I cannot stand falling into so many of these chronic disease statistics, it's driving me crazy and I'm going to keep speaking about it until things change. Just because we have a disability, just because were sick, just because were chronic, just because were possibly terminal, does not give you the right to treat us the way some of you do!! If you don't want to take care of us, do not choose to be in our lives!

Tonight I really want to touch on caregivers and the lack there of. As most of you know, if you've read my all about me section, you know that I have had people come and go and I have heard every excuse under the sun about why they couldn't deal with my health. And if you look up statistics, it's over, I believe last time I looked, it was over 76% of people watch loved ones leave them while dealing with a chronic and/or terminal disease. I really find this extremely shocking I guess because I'm not that type of person. I wouldn't leave someone during some crisis. I have already helped some people get through some things and not once did I think about leaving; it didn't even cross my mind. I knew that there was a light at the end of the tunnel eventually and that no one should have to go through something painful, frustrating, sad, horrible, etc. alone. But God made us all different and quite a few people that have been in my life have been the complete opposite of me as far as wanting to stay there and help me get through this health stuff. And trust me I know that this is nothing easy to go through and some days it is zero fun but I didn't force anyone to be in my life except for family and hey I didn't force them either just like I'm sure you didn't force the people that are in your life that maybe have left you.

I'm going to get a little personal here because if we don't talk to each other about real life stuff like what we deal with living with these diseases and what some of us have to go through on a regular basis then people will think it's ok or, worse yet, doesn't exist. And in my opinion, when people come into your life by their choice, they know you're sick, I think it is extremely cold hearted to push you away and/or leave you. Or to take another step further like abuse you. I have read a few cases where the caregiver has abused the sick person because they were tired of dealing with them.

My biological family is just like any other biological family we all have problems not everybody gets along but I never in 1 million years thought that I would be alone fighting a disease that I can't fight. Never in 1 million years did I think I would turn around and very little family would be standing there. I thought that blood meant everything but I was wrong. It's hard knowing that you have family here in town and yet you find yourself alone a lot. I can't even begin to understand how you can let your firstborn, as in my case, go through what I'm going through & not want to be there. I hope my children know that as long as I'm alive, no matter how sick I get, I am always going to be there for them; no fight, no argument is ever going to be enough to push me away. I love them unconditionally. And to be completely transparent once my family members start turning their box for one reason or another, I begin to think to myself, if my blood family can't even be there for me, how can anyone else and I know that kind of sounds crazy and sad but it is what I think and I know I'm not alone in this. I have talk to some other people who are fighting a similar disease like myself and they have found themselves in a very similar situation and fortunately you kind of get in this depression funk and it's what you think it's kind of a form of abuse in a sense. Then I have friends who I have known since grade school and/or since high school who have been in my life and then as soon as the blood work began to get bad and the surgeries began to pile up, the more people start running for the hills. I have heard so many times "I can't watch you die!" or my favorite one "it's so hard watching you go through this, i just can't deal with it" or "you are making me sick because I have to help you so much". Huh! Imagine what it's like for me! But here's the real kicker; I can't run, I can't run like you do, I can't push myself away, I can't tell myself excuses & push you away.....SO...lucky you.

Lucky you that you get to escape your promises that you made, Lucky you, you get to move on with someone who isn't sick, Lucky you, you get to keep your job and enjoy the life you dreamed of, lucky you! did you enjoy filling my head full of promises and telling me you're never going to leave? lucky you for leaving me and pushing me away, Lucky you, lucky you

Do you feel lucky now? Is your life so much better? Do you feel guilty for lying & hurting someone you said you would love forever? Lucky you, lucky you.

This is how I felt for a long time. I felt like you were the lucky one but the truth is it's lucky me, lucky me. Whether you were family, friend, or a lover, you never deserved me anyway. My life might be shorter than yours but I can guarantee it'll be filled with more love than you could ever have in a lifetime so lucky me, lucky me.