Who am I now???

I was diagnosed with RA in 2003, when the Dr. came in an said I had RA, I really wasn't even paying attention. At the time I was working a 40 hr. week job, very active with my girls at school, loved walking, spending time with my family, gardening, taking care of 1 1/4 acre home, camping, fishing... Living a full life... BAM....I WASN'T LISTENING....I have RA... I didn't even know what it was... I left the office no big deal, he really didn't explain a lot to me, except to say we would have to try a few drugs to see if I would feel better... I had been missing a lot of work, didn't know why...I had migraines, I already had bilateral carpal tunnel surgery, fatigue, bunion surgery, right shoulder surgery... it was just continuing, I needed to find out what was going on.. I am not one to just let someone else take over my health.. I had previously lost 2 of my sisters a few months a part, which had caused a lot of emotional stress to say the least, they were my best friends. I believe this is what has caused my illness, but who can say... So the treatments began, started with good ole Methotrexate, an had a bad reaction, moving on, an on, to the next and on....I just finished trying Rituxin with no results...I study everything I can get my hands on now about RA, I know everything that is put in my body.. I have just been sick with pneumonia since Christmas, so just coming up for air...people don't really understand when you tell them you can't be around them when their sick because it will be much worse on you, they just don't.....thank god I have a great PC doctor, don't know what I'd do without him...Spent 7 hrs in ER trying to stay out of hospital, and a week later, he thankfully gave me the Zpak because he knows my history, and understands what it takes to make me well, without trying to be god, as I call it...My Rhuemy wants to start me on Acterma, anyone out there been on it??? Anything you can tell me about it???? I am really thinking about not doing another biologic, just not sure what will happen if i don't....I'm really trying to change my lifestyle habits as in food choices, I'm now juicing, and I hopefully will get back to swimming as soon as I feel better... I love the water, and I can say that is one advice I can say is very helpful...I feel every time I do another drug its like playing Russian roulette, you see my family has a history of strange cancers, and heart disease....am I next...I have to be honest an say it does... I am sad that my life is not the same it was before...I feel i have lost me...I long to walk.....so for now, its swimming, its all my knees will tolerate...Theres so much a RA person keeps to themselves because if you told all, people would run...not feeling sorry for myself, just being totally honest..Every day is a new day, some are good, some are bad.. I also have other illnesses, I have not mentioned, Fibromyalgia, being a main one, but thats another story for another day, having the two, with my other illness, I probably could write a book... I guess it just feels good just to put it all down.. I hope my story helps someone, Not saying its the end of the world, just saying my life is not mine....I want it back... and I am trying so hard to do that....Its just really hard to fight the forces that be... I pray that all that have this horrible disease, peace and happiness. I have taken up meditation, which has proven to be most helpful.. Live when you can, smile when you can....Our lives are ours.....take it back...Im trying, one day at a time... Peace