So Down now, yesterday, probably tomorrow too

I have been diagnosed with RA, just a year now, and feel totally lost and fed up. I am lost, where is the person who built this house with her husband, who grew her own garden vegetables and fruit and raised her own animals for food and company? All I am at this moment is a blob in front of the TV and laptop watching crap tv. Tired and unmotivated, some hours with the energy to get the dishes washed, the floor swept, then sit, worn out, as if I had just finished something important. Don’t get me wrong, it is important to get these things done but I WANT to be able to garden or sew or study or God forbid, earn some money. I had a fulltime job with great future, then one morning I could not hold my toothbrush, walk without the feeling of lego in my shoes, comb my hair. I am feeling angry, cheated and so damn frustrated (that word does NOT even come close to what I feel). I have a lot to be thankful for. BUT. I HAD a lot to look forward to and now cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. Sorry if I am putting a downer on anyone but I had to vent. I live in hope of hope, sad eh!
Thanks for being here.

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Comments

View Comments (6)
  • Ava
    4 years ago

    Julia and Sharon, I know you are both extremely frustrated to say the least…I was diagnosed in 2003, and I have been dealing with, this now for several years, so I would just like to share with you a few things I have learned along the way.. I also feel as you both do on so many days and on so many levels….so please don’t think I don’t!!! I live in a 2 story, w my laundry room in basement…OMG, on a 1 1/2 acre lot, that my husband and I built when we moved here with our children in 1997…We are now looking for a new home….I am not happy:{ I still love my home so much, but It has stairs, and I cannot do them any longer because of continual knee pain… This disease can rob you of so many things if you allow it to…You need to arm yourself with the knowledge because you will need it, know what is available to you, treatments, medications, exercises, therapies, anything you can use to help you fight this. Yes, your life may change, go at your own pace, it has to be your pace not anyone else’s…its ok..I too use to have a vegetable garden, flowers I loved to plant, you can still do these things, its just a little slower, and harder…so don’t give up…Swimming is very good for you, try it…I fought the idea for a while also, but believe me after doing for a while, then not doing it, I can really tell the difference, so I am now a true believer in it…And true friends and family will understand when you have to change plans, its just the name of the game now…this site is a wonderful outlet.. I have learned more here than I have learned going to 12 years of drs…. May you all find some peace and gentle understanding of this disease, it took me quite a while, so I get it…peace…

  • Sharon Humphrey
    4 years ago

    OMG I just said those words, almost ver batem, to my friends. (What there are left of them) To add insult to injury, most don’t have the patience for me anymore. I can’t be as spontaneous as I once was, I break plans at the last minute when I have a flare, leaving family and friends disappointed to the point that they don’t bother with me anymore. I can’t make it through the malls or amusement parks, can’t walk the boardwalk or go on day trips, it goes on and on… That old saying is true, “we find out who our true friends are when we’re going through something “. But back to your story, I went outside to plant my Easter flowers that I received as gifts and I couldn’t get on my knees! I tried to just bend over to dig, Nope! I’ve had beautiful gardens my whole life, what am I to do now! ?? Sitting here watching TV now. That’s how I found this site and the stories. I’m reading my own story through others’ writings. I guess I should be grateful for that

  • Mariah Z. Leach moderator
    4 years ago

    Hi Julia ~
    So glad we are able to give you a place to vent to people who understand. I hope that you and your rheumatologist are able to find a treatment that works for you soon – and in the meantime please remember that we are here to support you. Hang in there!
    ~Mariah~

  • Samantha Searle
    4 years ago

    Hi Julia,
    You WILL get your life back. Give your meds time to work and if they’re not working,complain and insist on something else. You will have crappy times and good times. You can still grow veg and tend to your garden,but take regular breaks while doing this. You know your own body and will get very experienced on knowing when to stop and rest and when to be active. I have a gardener do all the heavy things for me and grow my own tomatoes and potatoes..it may be no big deal to some people but it’s the small things that will make a difference.
    I know exactly how you feel,honestly. My day is spent ‘pottering’ around,pacing myself.

  • Kelly Mack moderator
    4 years ago

    Julia, really sorry to hear how you’re feeling. I’ve totally been there and I know a lot of us can relate. Try to hang on to a happy thought and keep fighting. We’re here for you.

  • robinspencer
    4 years ago

    I so understand how you feel as I feel the same sometimes. I was diagnosed less than a year ago but have had it for years, my Dr finally listened to my complaints through my tears and sent me toa rheumy. I used to be soooo strong and full of energy! I’m determined though to not let this disease take my garden from me. I go out there moaning and groaning like a 90 year old woman at 47. Lol. But i don’t last long before it’s time to veg on the couch. Hopefully you can get some relief soon..

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