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The Fear and Loathing of Pain

amypollock82's avatar image

By amypollock82

3 min read

I officially had pain medication (morphine) put into my pump along with the muscle relaxer baclofen and then I was so ill for the last week not even being able to keep down water. I thought to myself please don’t be my pump making me sick. It’s really hard to go back from having constant morphine directly into your spinal fluid. That also might work.

Adjusting to this new medication

I don’t actually know how it would be if I’d have to stop this medication. I waited a week of being super sick to text my doctor just in case it was the flu or just in case I needed to get used to the medication. If I were to tell him to early he’d assume it was the medicine and put me back into the hospital. I’ve had enough time in that hospital.

Then all of a sudden I just stopped getting sick the day I told myself I would call my doctor and tell him I’ve been unable to eat for a week and I only drank water just so I would have something to throw up.
I was so terrified since I had so many problems when the pump was put in. (Silver lining tho I lost a lot of weight- it’s probably not a good weight loss program but it still took me down 20lbs.)

Today was that day that it just stopped and I was finally able to see how I felt with the medication and I now know I’ll need an increase but honestly I haven’t felt like I’ve needed anything else for most of my pain.

This new medication provided some clarity

I’ve had some problems with severe osteoarthritis and I now know what needs to be fixed and what needs to be let go. When you hurt all over all the time the issues with your body seem to blend and you can’t pinpoint individual issues but now I know exactly what and where things hurt. I’m still in a lot of pain but there’s hope that I’ll have a future that’s going to be my new normal.

My life has changed, and I need to accept it That’s what I need to accept now is that my life has changed for good or bad I can’t go back now and it was my last hope to take my pain level down from a 15 to a 7-8. We all know there is no 1 to 10 scale for people in the kind of pain we are in. If we went to the emergency room every time we were at a 10 we would never leave. Not to mention ER doctors actually get mad if you go to the ER for chronic pain and usually will send you away, so what’s the point. Reflecting on pain and medicationI wish they could figure out how to show the actual amount of pain a person is in. I think that would help the war on drugs and also not exclude people who aren’t lying about being in excruciating pain. I depend on my doctor the mostBecause of the drug crisis I have tethered myself to my doctor since he’s the only one who can take care of my medicine in my pump. If I ever went to the hospital they would need to call him first before any treatment can be given no matter what.. I also got new bling in the form of a medical bracelet. Lol All because doctors can’t treat pain patients without the fear of losing their practice or license. Insurances are getting involved now and won’t let you have the medication if it’s over a certain amount per day despite having a prescription.I’ve paid so much out of pocket for my care it’s insane so I had to go the drastic route and now I’ll need to work out with my doctor if I ever leave the area so he can contact another doctor where I want to go in case of an emergency (leaving the country is almost a dream from my past) since withdrawal from a constant epidural being pumped into me could actually kill me since the medication goes to my brain and not just taking pills. The reward outweighs the risk for meYou can stop taking a pill not so much when they took those pills and put them directly into my spine that does not pass through my blood. It’s super scary but I have to admit it’s worth it. The reward completely out weighs the risk at this point in my life.Good luck to all that endure the pain that makes you nauseous and never seems to end. Coming from someone that doesn't have much faith in the medical system, there’s something out there that works for you so never stop looking!

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