R. A. Poetry

R.A
What is R.A.? What is it to you? What is my pain that only I work through?
It is sadness. It is alone. It is my hands twisted like the willow blowing in the summer wind.
It is pain to feel the sun, to walk, never to run.
It is racing heart and aching hips.
It is me holding back the cry on my lips.
The smile in adversity that so few understand.
The tears on the inside where only I can.
It is aching body and tired mind.
My thoughts so scattered they don't feel like mine.
Pills for the pain for sickness in me.
Eyes now so blurry I can't see you in front of me.
It is weak teeth and pain when I eat.
It is fear every day of the week.
It is death that comes too early in life.
It is no one understanding, it is grief, it is strife.
Shaking gnarled hand so weak when I touch.
A caress that can hurt me so much.
It is tenderness that bruises my skin as the apple on the tree.
I have R.A. I won't let it have me.
It is asking me 'what is wrong with you now'?
The heartache of watching this body give out.
Betrayed by my own body like my love in another's arms.
Failed by science and doctors who seem to do me only harm.
I refuse to let the world win or cry when they walk away.
I will weep for YOUR weakness but I will not do this today.
I will smile through the windows instead of in the sun.
I will sing for the battle that cannot be won.
I will rise from my seat and grit my teeth.
I will listen to my racing heart beat.
Shortness of breath will never stop me.
Fear is the only companion I see.
No understanding no patience little love.
It's a loneliness that only another in my shoes could rise above.
If you leave me now that I need you I say to you GOODBYE.
There is only room for REAL in this, my R.A. life.

I started writing poetry to help me cope. There is no one in my life I can talk to about this. No one will listen or even pretend to understand, so I will use my OWN words to say what only WE can. - DJ Johnson