Why me?

I am now 56 years old, and feel 106, Lol. I guess I first noticed something was wrong when I was taking my one-year old granddaughter to the park. I would help her climb to the top of the baby slide and then catch her when she slid down, over and over. My hands started swelling and they hurt. I then noticed my right foot swelling too. I went to my doctor and had an  X-ray and blood tests done, and low and behold he said how sorry he was, but I had RA.

So I began researching this strange disease, and went to an RA doctor. He told me my quality of life would change and I needed to start taking meds. The first bottle made me sick to my stomach with severe pain and a trip to the ER. OK, try another med, no luck, diarrhea. Third bottle can cause blindness, so never even took those. Now I have suffered severe upper respiratory  infections for six months, and its not getting better.

I can no longer babysit my beloved grandchildren unless my husband is home and can do the bulk of the work, such as cooking, bath time, playing games, trips to the toy store or park, ect. I sit in my big cozy recliner, with my neck pillow and blanket.  I can no longer read for long periods of time, and I need new glasses. I use to get my haircut and colored every month, but in a fit of anger I chopped it all off. It was easier to take care of but did nothing for NY ego or looks. I also got a mani-pedi every two weeks. At the present time it's been over six weeks and my nails and toes look like monsters. My hair is streaked with grey, and I feel ugly. I don't go out much, unless it is to my doctor.

I feel sad, fat, and ugly. My husband of ten years married a skinny, vivacious, beautiful woman, who worked hard as an interior designer and ran with the mucky mucks of our small town. My grown children visited often and we went out to fancy dinners and shopping sprees. Vacations were often and fun. I just canceled our trip to Vegas because I feel so sick. But I am hoping we can cruise to Hawaii or Alaska next year for my birthday. I will be buying trip insurance in case I have to cancel. My family reunion is next month in Napa, California, and I pray I can stop coughing long enough to go. My daughter and grandkids are going and we usually all stay at the same hotel.

My husband is drinking more, and getting grouchy , so I guess I am getting on his nerves too. He loves me and adores me, but I am not the person he married. We sleep in separate rooms, for my comfort. He sleeps with the dog. We are both retired and had so many plans to travel, yet I can't seem to leave the house.

Sleep is my best friend, as I feel no pain and dream of better times. I woke up at 4 am , just like everyday, and found a lump in my neck? What? Another doctor visit today. In my pajamas with my hat and no make up. I hope I can get my nails done this week, and a haircut. I know I sound hopeless, and like a big baby.  My kids were mad at me at first, thought I was being a drama queen. But I think after two years, they are finally realizing I am really sick.

Anyway, sorry to bore you, hope this helps anyone that feels like crap everyday to know they are not alone.

Pugs and kisses,

kari sue.

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