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Why ME???!!!

Who knew that when something happens, even the slightest thing, it should not be taken for granted? Well, I most certainly didn’t, until now.

Over a year ago, my ring finger on my left hand became stiff and very painful. I didn’t give it much thought and chalked it up to a sprain or nerve damage and went along with my daily activities like nothing happened, except when I did something like lifting or trying to open a jar, and this pain would hit me to the core. Or in the mornings when I wake and tried to make a fist, I would see stars.
Then another day, my right arm around my wrist was swollen for days. I soaped it in warm water and Epson salts until it went down. Then came the middle finger on my right hand the was swollen and dark at the knuckle.

Then three other fingers on my left hand started to feel like my ring finger was and then it hit me, “Something isn’t right. Go see a doctor!”

When I finally did, and after a number of test and blood work, I was diagnosed with RA. Not knowing what it was I went to get a second opinion and then a third and then decided to read up on it.

To my surprise, all my previous experiences were small signs of this ongoing situation and I had just ignored it.

I decided to start treating it and was introduced to HCQS by my doctor, which did not work, so he put me on methotrexate which worked within a few days to weeks and I was able to reuse my ring finger. to my horror, this was only the beginning of the worst to ever befall me. I started to ache mainly in the toes and under foot. A burning, painful sensation that forced the doctors to check my blood glucose levels which was normal after the test. But more symptoms started to reveal it self and overtime became worse.

I am now back on HCQS but still have not shown much signs of improvement since I am always in pain especially in the morning hours. My daily life has been affected tremendously, my personal life and my faith is slowly decreasing. I am afraid to try new drugs because of the side effects always sounding worse than what you already have. I have no children and am about to be married to a wonderful man who has been my biggest support thus far. I’m depressed most days, cause I feel like my immediate family doesn’t believe the level of my pains or if they do, they think I’m overreacting. I don’t blame them for lack of knowledge but would really prefer to get back to some state of normalcy or at least be able to not be in pain for the rest of my life. I’m writing, and I’m crying. All I keep asking is , “Why Me?!”

This article represents the opinions, thoughts, and experiences of the author; none of this content has been paid for by any advertiser. The RheumatoidArthritis.net team does not recommend or endorse any products or treatments discussed herein. Learn more about how we maintain editorial integrity here.

Comments

  • jaide winn
    5 years ago

    Hi Niya, I too, like the others, know exactly what you are going through. RA is very painful, others don’t understand, and it is a very lonely disease. I hurt everyday all day. The pain ranges from 6-10+. I am on Plaquenil, MTX, and I took Enbrel for a year, however it really didn’t work well for me. I started Remicade infusions about 3 months ago, and it has helped more, but it doesn’t take all the pain away. I too have problems with my hands, the Remicade has taken care of that – thank goodness. But, most of my pain is in my feet, ankles, knees, and hips. I woke up one day last Dec (2012) and my feet, mainly my heels were killing me. I have done everything imaginable to try to curb the pain; I have bought braces & socks, had surgery for plantar fasciitis, bought all new shoes, have professional inner soles, had epidurals, etc. I still live with the pain. I can only be up about 2-3 hours without the pain becoming debilitating. I would recommend a biologic, the positive outweighs the risk. Have you ever done water therapy, just walking back and forth in the shallow end. I also have a hot tub that helps a lot. This morning started at 6:00, I set my clock and take some of my meds so they can be getting in my system. I slept for about another hour, then got up about 7:00. Right now I am sitting under a heated throw (it is better for me that a heating pad because it can cover my whole body, and I don’t have to worry about burning myself). I woke with a terrible headache this morning, so I have a TENS unit on my neck. I couldn’t live without my TENS unit. And, when my feet hit the floor this morning they almost gave way and wouldn’t hold me up. The floor was like standing on a bed of rocks. I immediately put my Tommy Copper Socks on, then my ankle braces, then my padded heal supports, then some warm wool socks. I then put on my adjustable Orthaheel slippers. That is the only way I made it to the kitchen to make my coffee. I have been under the electric throw ever since. I usually stay on the couch until about 11:00 until my meds kick in. I had to get out yesterday and go to the chiropractor (I go once a week) and get my hair cut. I am feeling a lot more pain today and swelling in all my joints. I usually only get out once or twice a week. My husband does all the errands and buying of the groceries. I would also recommend a counselor of some sorts. I see a psychological counselor, but I have seen a psychologist in the past. I wouldn’t recommend a psychiatrist, just because with this disease you just need someone to talk to, not more meds. Niya, I ask “Why Me” all the time. I have even thought how much easier it would be just not being here. But, I still have my faith in God. I depend on God everyday and every second of the day. I know that there is SOME reason for these problems, and there is a reason for me being here. God has a plan, I just have to trust in Him. I recommend that you reconsider renewing your faith in Him. I know the frustration, I deal with it everyday, but I try to find peace and joy in the smallest of things in every day. Niya, it is a long struggle, but there are people out there to help you that do understand. Please rely on us, we are here and need you as much as you need us. Take one day at a time, be thankful for the good days, and know that on the bad days – it will get better. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, and here if you ever need anyone. Be strong!

  • Teresa
    5 years ago

    Niya – thanks for sharing…I too struggle with knowing my family has NO CLUE what type of pain arthritis is. It’s a daily struggle, and one that you can overcome. I have days when I feel low, especially now, during this cold – my fingers barely allow me to brush my teeth or hold my coffee cup. Try Hatha Yoga. It’s helped me tremendously. I tend NOT to read side effects of drugs. My mom keeps me posted on what I should looke for (not that I have asked her too!LOL) I try not to look at what COULD happen and focus on the day I am in. I agree with Mariah, mental health is as important and physical health. Places like this blog help me…I may not always comment, but I read what everyone says and try to put ideas into play in my own life. The best thing that has helped me is rest, yoga, meds and just trying to remain positive at all times! It’s tough, but you can do it! Remember there are stages to a chronic illness, don’t beat yourself up for your denial, anger, pity, lonliness, etc. Take every avenue and explore. We’re here for you girl!

  • Andrew Lumpe, PhD moderator
    5 years ago

    Thanks for sharing your story Niya. I think all of have asked, and continue to ask “why me?” Keep focusing on the good things in your life. It’s so important that your husband to be really understands how RA affects your life and can be a support for you.

  • Mariah Z. Leach moderator
    5 years ago

    Hi Niya – Thank you so much for taking the time to share your story. I did the same thing before my diagnosis – ignored each additional joint pain until there were too many to ignore! I am so sorry that you are struggling so much right now. I have been in your shoes and I know exactly how difficult it is. You may want to consider talking to your doctor about trying a biologic medication. Yes, there are some possible side effects but if you find one that works it can make a MAJOR difference in your quality of life. Enbrel has been a life saver for me. You may also want to consider talking to someone about your mental health, which is equally important. I have used anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds at various points since my diagnosis and it has made a major difference for me when I needed it. I am so glad to hear that your future husband will be there to support you! Hang in there and remember that we are here for you too!!

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