My worst enemy

I have only recently been diagnosed with RA officially. I have been ‘suffering’ with it for over a year now. I’m a newbie to the RA world, I’m struggling & I’m scared.
It started suddenly with both my shoulders, I couldn’t lift my arms, I was told it was a trapped nerve. I found walking uncomfortable because I had what I can only describe as a giant water blister inside the ball of my foot. I was wrong, it’s bursae & I can’t walk properly, I haven’t been able to for 8 months. Friday’s a massive day for me I’m getting ultrasound guided steroid injections directly into the joints on my feet/toes- I’m terrified.
I have flare ups all the time, I was told my Dr it was trapped nerves & common for people to have clicky grinding knee joints.
Eventually I was referred to a rheumatologist, I have RA, I was told after numerous blood tests, xrays, ultrasounds & physical examinations. I was shocked, angry, confused, scared & terrified….aren’t I too young?? I’m 31! No I’m not too young, its hereditary I’m just unlucky.
I’m currently ‘suffering’ with a flare up in my right hand & my right hip – its agony, I’ve sobbed my heart out tonight to my mum & boyfriend. They’re frustrated, why can’t the Dr’s fix me?
I started on naproxen – I’m allergic, I started on sulphasalazine – I’m allergic, I started on dicloflenac – I had chronic nausea, I took extra strong strength ibuprofen – I’m allergic. I took cocodamol – it doesn’t touch the pain! I’m starting on hydrocloxoquoliquine – fingers crossed it works.
At work people ask if I’m ok, I say yes, but I’m not.
I work at a college, the students ask if I’m ok as I limp around (on a good day) I say yes, but I’m not.
I get flare ups regularly, I try to cope, I try to deny the agony I’m in, I say its ok its just an RA flare up I’ll be ok in a couple of days, I’m not ok. I cry, I ache, I’m tired, I’m in agony, I’m afraid, I’m embarrassed, I’m exhausted – I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.
I’ve got Rheumatoid Arthritis, I’m 31! Luckily I have a truly amazing family, I have the most amazing boyfriend that I love more than words, I have a few close supportive friends, without this support system RA would beat me, but I’m going to beat it into submission. RA will not rule me, I’m going to rule it…..well that’s the plan.

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