Dating With RA Again After a Decade on the Bench

You know, we talk a lot about relationships and chronic illness, and how easily RA can make them more complicated and even ruin them. It happens — there’s no point in denying it — and it can make it not only difficult to meet someone, but especially difficult to keep them around.

Let’s face it – human beings aren’t the best at dealing with things that are different, and rheumatoid arthritis (RA) certainly qualifies as different. Despite all of that, though, the stars aligned, and — miracle of miracles — I actually met someone who, for some reason, actually wants to stick around. So now I’m having to start up all those rusty, dust-encrusted, broken-down relationship engines for the first time in almost a decade, and seeing what is ending up happening has been a real hoot. Just fantastic.

Returning to the dating scene after a decade

A decade. It’s been a decade since I had to do “relationship things.” Ten years, folks. That’s a long time.

In fact, it has been so long since I had to do the whole dating thing that I’m not even sure if people go out to eat anymore. Do they? Or do dates just consist of a sad Door Dash delivery meetup while some Netflix show you’ve both already seen plays in the background?

I kind of feel like it’s all that now, and if I say, “Hey, why don’t we go out to eat?” I’ll get, “OK, boomer, yeah, we’ll go to another place to eat food that we can get delivered to us for more money. Go back to your brick-and-mortar stores, grandpa!” Or not, but that’s what goes on in my head.

Anyway, the extremely long-winded point I’m making is that it’s been a very long time since I had to date, and I’m starting to realize that I can’t do the things that 10-years-younger me did back when I met my ex-wife. Yeah.

Things aren't as spry as they used to be

Ten years takes its toll on anyone, of course. That’s not new information I’m giving you here, but the thing is, a decade in RA time is like an eternity in real time. It’s like dog years – every regular person year is 7 RA years. So, suffice to say, things aren’t as, err, flexible and spry as they used to be? Yeah, yeah, it’s exactly what you’re picturing.

She’s about my age, so it’s like 2 people trying to win a game of Twister that looks like a war crime before time runs out and you both say screw it and collapse into a pile for a nap. Welcome to the wonderful world of dating with 3 decades of RA.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had dating issues with RA in the past. Most famously, I had a hip dislocate in the middle of, well, you know... and then had to call an ambulance to carry me down the stairs and into the ambulance wearing only a sheet like a Roman emperor.

My RA always became an issue

It wasn’t just physical stuff, either – no matter how many times I told someone at the beginning of a relationship about RA, what it is and how bad it can get, it always ended up becoming a thing when I cancelled plans. Hell, it was ultimately the cause of my marriage dissolving (which was for the best in the end, so do not shed any tears for me). The majority of people are just not equipped to handle the added pile of crapola that comes with a long-term chronic illness, no matter how good we are at mitigating those side effects.

Being uncomfortable in unfamiliar beds

The problem is that now I have to deal with all of those things I dealt with 10 years ago, plus an added decade's worth of RA damage, issues, and comorbidities, and it’s a lot. Things aren’t doing what I want them to do, and even if they do, it takes a considerable amount of coaxing for it to happen. Not to mention sleeping in a bed that isn’t my own is basically like running a marathon on broken glass while sparring with a heavyweight boxer, and even then, it takes me 3 whole days to recover.

There’s no romantic comedy movies where the guy says “I’d rather jump into a car crusher” when the girl asks him to stay over for a reason. It tends not to go over well, and no matter how thoroughly you explain, it still just sounds like you are making excuses. You might as well just say you have an “early meeting” — same vibes. This is just one of the wonderful, fun parts of dating with RA that I’m rediscovering.

Dating again with RA is taking some getting used to

Also, spontaneity is basically a synonym for flare-up, so you can kiss that goodbye. Last-minute weekend trip? Not in this lifetime. “Want to just stay at a motel and go home tomorrow?” I'd rather break all my fingers. “Why don’t you just come over tonight?” “But I just got comfortable for the night and put on all my salves and took all my pills. Sooo... no.” Fun and sexy, right? That’s me!

As you can see, the whole dating thing is taking a little more getting used to this time around, and nothing makes you feel more ancient than being a fuddy-duddy during romantic times in front of whatever gender you are attracted to. Just the fact I said “fuddy-duddy” should prove to you how far off the rails I’ve gone. Ugh, well, I’ll have more updates shortly. Talk soon.