In Sickness and In Health: Three Ways My Marriage Survived RA

The phrase “in sickness and in health” is a common commitment made during a marriage ceremony in many religions and cultures. Everyone has witnessed this vow exchanged between two partners, but what does this promise truly mean? For millions of Americans, it recognizes the significant pressure illness can put on a relationship, old and new.

Chronic conditions such as rheumatoid arthritis can have a significant impact even on the strongest of relationships. Research has shown that the risk of divorce increases when one partner has a serious chronic condition, especially if the partner is a woman [1]. Often these types of relationships are forced to face rising levels of emotional distress, changes in responsibilities, impact on intimate activity, and financial restraints due to chronic illness [2]. Uplifting, right?

Before you dissolve into the depths of despair, remember these are just nameless statistics, and being aware of how chronic illness affects relationships can help us work through these issues together. Even in my own marriage, my chronic illnesses have put pressure on my relationship. Now, I am no marriage expert, but these are some of the ways we have worked through these challenges together.

Consider relationship counseling

Unfortunately, I feel like admitting you have been to couples counseling is still a “faux pas” in our society. However, I am not afraid to admit that couples counseling has been a vital tool in navigating the challenges of being in a relationship with chronic illness. Counseling can help couples set aside a designated time to discuss issues with the help of a 3rd party. These types of conversations can be invaluable.

In my own experience, having a 3rd party reiterate how I needed to feel supported helped my husband understand the way he was unintentionally hurting me as someone with a chronic illness. Counseling is worth a try if you find yourself in the same unhealthy patterns in your relationship unable to come to an agreement. I believe even the healthiest, most fulfilling relationships can benefit from couples counseling.

Enlist a chronic illness ally

I learned early on in my marriage that my husband was never going to understand exactly how I felt living with cystic fibrosis, rheumatoid arthritis, and diabetes. How could he when he was a young healthy male coming from an overall healthy family? He could empathize, sure, but he couldn’t understand the intricacies of living with multiple chronic illnesses to the level I needed. It was like asking him to be fluent in a language he had never practiced. I needed support from someone who could speak my language, so to speak. That’s where communities like ra.net come into play! Find your chronic illness ally that understands the unique challenges you face and lean on their support and advice.

Schedule intimate time

Intimacy is an important part of a fulfilling and healthy relationship. When I say “intimacy”, I don’t mean sex. Sure, sex is part of that, but intimacy also includes finding time to hold hands, cuddling, kissing, sitting close to each other, etc. When you live with unpredictable and draining pain like with RA, intimacy can feel very draining and overwhelming. My suggestion: schedule a time to be intimate. I know, it sounds less romantic to pencil in intimacy with your partner, but it can be a very healthy way to make sure both partners are fulfilled.  Moreover, being on the same page can help limit feelings of rejection and disappointment. Scheduling intimacy means you can conserve energy that day to make that special time with a partner a priority. Maybe you take pain medication or take a bath prior. Whatever works best for you and your partner!

Don’t let a statistic rule your relationship. I believe there are many ways living with a chronic illness can benefit your life and outlook. As a partner, you bring a special perspective to the relationship. It’s important to let that shine, while also being prepared to navigate the challenges living with a chronic disease can bring.

How do you navigate a relationship with RA? Any insights to share with the community? Comment below!

1. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4857885/
2. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC2910805/#:~:text=Rheumatoid%20arthritis%20can%20strain%20one's,in%20responsibilities%2C%20and%20emotional%20stress.